BE; Bad people making sense: Theoretical children of a lesser god
May 20, 2008
Note the Video above. A congenitally deaf couple has decided that they want to produce a child through invitrofertilization. They are planning on sorting through all of the potential embryos, and selecting the one which will be guaranteed to produce a deaf person…like them, and their other daughter. Allow me to restate that for clarity: they are using genetic screening to insure a pre crippled child that properly matches their special little family.
They, of course, bristle at the notion that deafness is detrimental in anyway, and see a law being passed to prevent deliberate selection of defective embryos, as discrimination against the deaf. They assert that, were they to not choose a little deaf baby, it would be tantamount to admitting they are handicapped in someway…as opposed to belonging to the exclusive, and oh so trendy, deaf subculture.
I will go a long way to prove a point…and I can respect trying to make the best of a rough deal…but eventually you move past a maintaining a brave front, and into delusional bravado. I’m going to make a controversial statement here: given the choice, it is better to not be Deaf or Blind, than it is being deaf or blind. The Garfield’s would disagree with me on that…but the Garfield’s, are fucking retarded. Perhaps not retarded in the classic developmental sense, but possessing a lack of perspective so glaring it vastly overshadows their auditory deficiencies.
They argue that their handicap is just a mild perceptual hurdle; something more akin to a language difference, than a congenital defect: when they are scrapping their kid’s big wheel off a bus grill, because the little tyke didn’t hear the horn blaring, they can comfort themselves with the semantic victory they’ve achieved. Hey, I don’t want to think of myself as a murderer…but that won’t bring all those drifters back to life; you are what you are, regardless of how that reality makes you feel.
I am sure there is some deaf, blind, insensate goon, hanging in a sack on his parents den wall, that would happily assert  there is nothing wrong with his lot in life…since he doesn’t know any better…as he lives in a sack on a wall, and lacks perspective.
Likewise: If you’ve been deaf since birth, you aren’t really qualified to judge the relative merits of the world o’ sound… so maybe ask a hearing friend if there are any hidden benefits: like Music, fire alarms, and talking in the dark, before you damn your children to eternal silence.
Just because you can’t hear, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen. 
But perhaps I’m being too autocratic in my judgements. Perhaps each of us is entitled to inflict whatever crippling infirmity we want on our unborn childen. For that that matter: Why stop at merely selecting a defective embryo? If, by chance, the Garfield’s child acquires the curse of hearing, they should be allowed to deafen it with hat pins and scarlet fever…maybe ugly up it’s faces with bricks a little so it matches it’s jug eared C.H.U.D ugly parents. Additionally: the children of paraplegics should have their limbs bound until they are useless; the children of the blind lasered into darkness at first blink; and the (adopted) children of the French, chemically instilled with a deep, and shameful, cowardice.
After all, isn’t the mark of a truly devoted parent the desire for our children to suffer the same misery and disadvantage as the generation before… so as to keep them humble and bound to us?
I can’t help but picture the C.H.U.Dleys staring up at this big McDonalds style menu in the geneticist office.
Dr. Swank: What can I get for you sir?
Mr Chuddley (signing): We’d like to add another broodling to our happy family. Nothing fancy though.
Dr. Swank: Of course. The basic model comes with ten fingers, five senses, and a three year limited warrantee.
Mr Chuddley: Oooooooohhhh…five senses…seems a little flashy, don’t you think?
Dr. Swank: No, not really. To be honest that is the absolute bare minimum we can offer by law.
Mr Chuddley: Yeaaah….thing is, my wife and I are deaf, so it’s probably in the Childs best interest that it’s deaf as well…for symmetries sake.
Dr. Swank: Are you sure…we offer hearing at no extra cost…actually we’d have to charge extra to make sure the child is deaf.
Mr Chuddley: I don’t mind paying top dollar for quality.
Dr. Swank: That’s deplorable. Are there any other crippling physical deficiencies you’d like us add? Maybe have the hands fuses together in club like structures.
Mr Chuddley: Tempting…but again…symmetry.
Also: my wife and I are incredibly selfish and spiteful…Is there anyway that you can work that in there too?
Dr. Swank: I’m sure that will work its self out in the natural course of things.
 Lets apply the exhaustive Three point Beats Entropy Retardation Matrix:
a- Dressing in matching jeans and black sweaters, when there is already a disturbingly strong brother/sister resemblance
b– Unable to identify a Starling by call alone
c– Sees no downside in child lacking a major sense
It’s not looking good for the Chuddleys.
 Were he able to communicate in any way.
 And this isn’t some covert pro-life agenda: If thought it would give me powers I’d spend my lunch hours snatching newborns from unwed mothers…that I might harvest their delicious stem cells.
 If fairness, their ugliness likely has more to do with them being British, than is does them being deaf, or bad parents.