Letter Day, 014: Vampyrrhic victory

June 12, 2008

I know been gone baby, but I’ve been in your hearts (and in some cases homes) all the while. I Ain’t got time for excuses, and I’m running low on ink, so let’s get down to business.



  Where the hell have you been? What are you doing? Why haven’t you posted? Do you not feel some responsibility to your readers?

 About a half dozen people

The Internets


 In Order: Round about’s, not a whole lot, creative back pressure, a little.



 I am an aspiring writer. How do you keep your edge?

Justin Martin


 You break off little pieces down the line until the sides are almost touching.



Are you a fun drunk?


Ottawa, Ontario


Matter of perspective, I suppose. I’m certainly an animated one. If you can catch me in that sweet spot, where I’m mostly coherent and largely uninhibited, it can be a bit of a trip. There is a rhetorical sociopathy that kicks in after eights gins; this erosion of courtesy that broadcasts some of the baser commentary my manners usually filter out. Picture a wry, prickish, jackass with a knack for effective phrasing. Also: I climb things and tend to remove my clothing. Good times all around.



You must be pretty hyped now that Hillary is out of the race for president.

 Doug Gottlieb,

Winston, SC


 You know, I really thought I would be, but it hasn’t played out that way. Partly it’s due to Obama being too cagey to really grind the victory in. I would have given riches upon riches to hear him deliver a petty, spiteful, oratorical beatdown after the fact.

  Something along the lines of :

  “ I ‘d like to thank my esteemed opponent for being such a shrieking, unlikeable, womb withered harpy, that her closest  supporters turned on her like she was loose change at a bus stop. Were she a man I’d slap the sharpei smugness from her grinning, dead eyed, face. I hope all the illiterate crackers, and embittered housewives, that voted for her rot a little inside each day for the next eight years of my presidency.”

  Then he’d throw down the mic and walk off the stage to raucous applause. Had that occurred I would be much more satisfied. Even then, though, it would still be somewhat of a stillwater triumph.

 It turns out I actually enjoy cheering against someone, far more than I enjoy cheering for someone. Hillary was a near ideal villain, and I had been teasing out the thrill of her eventually defeat for months. Now, after a brief spurting moment of triumph, I’m left without an adversary. I could just go back to hating cab drivers, but it lacks the necessary stakes to really rev my engine. Oh well, it was good run while it lasted.     


2 Responses to “Letter Day, 014: Vampyrrhic victory”

  1. Jive Says:

    In the unlikely event that I make something of myself and attain public office you are so hired as my speech writer.

  2. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    “Picture a wry, prickish, jackass with a knack for effective phrasing”

    Why do I suspect that knack is self-assessed while still under the influence? Many a man believes himself eloquent when uninhibited. Just as many a woman believes herself beautiful.

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