Letter Day, 014: Vampyrrhic victory

June 12, 2008

I know been gone baby, but I’ve been in your hearts (and in some cases homes) all the while. I Ain’t got time for excuses, and I’m running low on ink, so let’s get down to business.

************ 

 

  Where the hell have you been? What are you doing? Why haven’t you posted? Do you not feel some responsibility to your readers?

 About a half dozen people

The Internets

 

 In Order: Round about’s, not a whole lot, creative back pressure, a little.

 

 ***********

 I am an aspiring writer. How do you keep your edge?

Justin Martin

 

 You break off little pieces down the line until the sides are almost touching.

 

 *********

Are you a fun drunk?

SAS

Ottawa, Ontario

 

Matter of perspective, I suppose. I’m certainly an animated one. If you can catch me in that sweet spot, where I’m mostly coherent and largely uninhibited, it can be a bit of a trip. There is a rhetorical sociopathy that kicks in after eights gins; this erosion of courtesy that broadcasts some of the baser commentary my manners usually filter out. Picture a wry, prickish, jackass with a knack for effective phrasing. Also: I climb things and tend to remove my clothing. Good times all around.

 

  ********

You must be pretty hyped now that Hillary is out of the race for president.

 Doug Gottlieb,

Winston, SC

  

 You know, I really thought I would be, but it hasn’t played out that way. Partly it’s due to Obama being too cagey to really grind the victory in. I would have given riches upon riches to hear him deliver a petty, spiteful, oratorical beatdown after the fact.

  Something along the lines of :

  “ I ‘d like to thank my esteemed opponent for being such a shrieking, unlikeable, womb withered harpy, that her closest  supporters turned on her like she was loose change at a bus stop. Were she a man I’d slap the sharpei smugness from her grinning, dead eyed, face. I hope all the illiterate crackers, and embittered housewives, that voted for her rot a little inside each day for the next eight years of my presidency.”

  Then he’d throw down the mic and walk off the stage to raucous applause. Had that occurred I would be much more satisfied. Even then, though, it would still be somewhat of a stillwater triumph.

 It turns out I actually enjoy cheering against someone, far more than I enjoy cheering for someone. Hillary was a near ideal villain, and I had been teasing out the thrill of her eventually defeat for months. Now, after a brief spurting moment of triumph, I’m left without an adversary. I could just go back to hating cab drivers, but it lacks the necessary stakes to really rev my engine. Oh well, it was good run while it lasted.     

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2 Responses to “Letter Day, 014: Vampyrrhic victory”

  1. Jive Says:

    In the unlikely event that I make something of myself and attain public office you are so hired as my speech writer.

  2. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    “Picture a wry, prickish, jackass with a knack for effective phrasing”

    Why do I suspect that knack is self-assessed while still under the influence? Many a man believes himself eloquent when uninhibited. Just as many a woman believes herself beautiful.


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