Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.

June 25, 2008

While talking to my associates over tacos, I accidentally mixed my metaphors[1] and declared “I feel as unwanted as a Black Step Child”. While funny, the hostile glares it garnered from our fellow dinners suggested it may have been a tad inappropriate. The next day at work, while reading this article, about a 7’3 sex offender, I commented “wow, I bet that guy could molest 3 kids at once”. I was not endorsing the morality of his vile deed, I was merely marvelling over the efficiency with which he could execute them[2]. My boss suggested this was less than appropriate workplace commentary.

In both cases my intentions were pure, but my judgement was flawed. If only there had been some means of weighing the potential negative impact of a given statement; some standards to measure against. Then I thought “hey… I have supercomputer capable of ranking subjective things in a absolute manner[3], why don’t I lay it down for my childrens”.

So here ya go: The Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.

Keep in mind these statements are not intentionally malicious, rather they are progressively ill considered.

—————————————————————–

0: “I would enjoy a delicious piece of toast”

1: “I used to pet my cat until she rang like a telephone”

2: “I keep wearing holes in all my pants pockets”

3: ” You smell just like my ex girlfriend”

4: “I feel like dirty ol’ Christopher Robin when I wear rubber boots”

5: “Do you think it’s harder to pick cotton or Rice?”

6: “”When life gives you lemons… cut yourself a little.”

7: “I’m just saying, given the constant temptation, Donnie Osmond is a better man than I.”

8: “that baby has huge hands, I bet they’re as strong as a small boys.”

9: ‘If you turned those swings sideways your kids would get a lot more fresh air.”

10: “For a women of your accomplishment looking haggard is a badge of honor”

11: “I’ve licked sexier things off my beard.”

12: “There is a lot more afterbirth than I thought. Have you been eating cranberries or something?”

13: “I’m not saying slavery was right…but a savvy businessman uses the resources at hand.”

14: ” Amber is my least favourite kind of alert”

15: “Egg salad sandwiches remind me of my gynaecologist”

16: “I’m not saying you have wide hips…It’s just that my hands are small enough there would be no tearing”

17: “if your tits were a little bouncier you’d look just like my mother”

18: “”Little boy or not, you’re only a hero if you survive the cancer!”

19: “This U.S. economy has been hit harder than a World Trade center sidewalk”

20: “Mmmmmm…Mmmmm, delicious: if this sandwich were a woman I’d drag it behind a dumpster and rape it.”

*****************

[1] Redheaded stepchild and Black sheep of the family.

[2] The choices, not the children. As I understand it they all survived.

[3] The Aribitron 350

OTHER ASSESSMENT SCALES

Shame

Ignominious Death

Creepy

Disappointment

Pettiness

Inappropriate comment

Legacy0

 

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5 Responses to “Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.”

  1. Pollyanna Sassmaster Says:

    15. “Egg salad sandwiches remind me of my gynaecologist”

    Wow. I guess congratulations on your successful reassignment surgery are in order. Does today count as your 32nd birthday or your first, given that you are just now starting life over as a woman?


  2. These are not comments that I, personally, have made. Rather a collection of comments the Aribtron 3500 assembled from thousands of hours of field work.

  3. Pollyanna Sassmaster Says:

    *phew*

  4. Stiletto Says:

    My brother recently got canned from a temp job because somebody called asking for Mrs Hooker, a black co-worker, and he handed the phone to her and said, “Here you go, ho.”

  5. max Says:

    For some reason I think a collection of Valliant comments might be more colorful.


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