ASK B.E.: How do I make the Ladies love me?

August 6, 2008

(Continued in PART 2)

Last night a magic Elf came to me in my dreams; the Elf he said “AJ, People don’t know shit ‘bout nothing. You gotta help ‘em out.” And I was all like “Yeah all right, Elf.” When A.J. Valliant makes a promise, he keeps a promise, so I’m obligated to lay some solid knowledge on you, my children’s.

Since I only know like eights things, I figure I’ll start at the top of the pile and help you folks with the old biological imperative:

How do I make the ladies love me?

( I want to stress from the outset this isn’t a list of misogynistic tricks to persuade guileless females to fall into your clutches. People, in general, have trouble relating and managing interpersonal contact, so these are some approaches to try and bridge the social divide . Almost all of the advice is gender neutral, but since I have only ever experienced being a man trying to romantically engage a women, I’m going to hit it from that perspective. )

Let me preface this guide with the following caveat: Historically I appeal most strongly to three specific subgroups of Femanity:

Superficial ditzy chicks with daddy complexes

Rather clever, quirky, strong willed ladies that are mildly antisocial

Cool chicks that just want to get their rocks off

*note: there is significant overlap between the last two

As the vast majority of my romantic congress has occurred within these three groups, I cannot speak to the broader efficacy of the information I am about present: I figure it’s decent in most cases though. The one big exception is group D) Shallow, status conscious, high maintenance woman. Lets just say there is a mutual We are not each others cup of tea understanding in place, and leave it at that. Let’s get down to business.

Step 1: Know thy self

The first step in any sort of interpersonal congress is gaining meaningful and critical understanding of who you are, coming to peace with it, and learning to effectively project it. Confidence and style comes from awareness and acceptance. There are few things more compelling than someone who is distinctly of themselves, and makes no apology for it.

The thing to remember: this is an honest…critical…assessment. That means not just accepting your strengths and quirks, but acknowledging the flaws you hate, the decisions you are ashamed of, and the weaknesses that have fucked with you every day of your life.

For instance: I get to honestly put forth that I’m an engaging, immensely decent, clever mother fucker; but I also have to make peace with the fact I’m a petty, manipulative, egotistical prick that hides behind a martyr complex when things get tough. To deny any part of who you are means that anything you put forth is going to ring false, undermining meaningful connection.

Step 2: Have some respect

If you don’t have some respect for the person you’re engaging, you are not only hurting your chances of success, you are diminishing both of you regardless of the outcome. Respect covers a lot of ground, so for the purposes of this discussion it means:

Acknowledge the girl as an equal partner in whatever goal you have. One sided wooing is creepy, unappealing, and way more work than is necessary. When you respect that the other person has equal agency in the process it means they get to do half the work. You are not trying to win a prize, you are entering into a negotiation. Respect that they have their own desires and motivations that can play in concert with your own. Respect yourself enough to realize you are bringing equal value to the table, so you don’t need to be all guarded and conniving.

Even from a purely physical stand point, women still don’t need to be tricked into having sex. If you want to get laid, find a women within your league, who enjoys and wants to have sex, then tastefully put the notion forth. If you are patient and realistic about your appeal you will eventually find a willing partner. Be honest beforehand, attentive during, and discrete afterwards, and things will be a lot easier in the future.

Step 3: Be cool, brother

Here’s the thing: no matter how straight forward your intentions and affect are, there is still a degree of social manipulation and gamesmanship necessary in romantic engagement. As enlightened as we pretended to be, we are still products of the pack/herd, and certain behavioral responses are largely hardwired and culturally engineered into our development. The end result: that which is pursued retreats; anything readily attainable is devalued.

I’m not talking about jerking people around, or trying to undermine their self esteem. You are not out to break their will, you just want to pace things a little. Maintain an air mystique and challenge about you. In its ideal form that early vying for interest, and unveiling of identity, is fun and engaging for both people. It also gives you time to figure out just how interested you are in the other, without either party suffocating the life out of things. The specific points of interest break down like so:

Be polite, friendly, and engaged, while maintaining a degree of subtle aloofness. Make a real attempt to get a sense of them, but don’t gush or provide excessive uncritical praise. You are not trying to win them over, you are honestly trying to get to know them. Having genuine insight and awareness of a person is far more attractive than pronouncements of how awesome they are.

Just relax. You are not trying to sell anything, you are spending some time with a cool person. Chemistry will be there, or it won’t; you not going to talk someone into being attracted to you…but you can sure talk them out it. If you are too invested in any particular outcome it destroys that natural flow of interaction, and prevents any sort of connection from forming.

Have an edge. This one is a killer, since not that many people can pull it off. Ideally you are trying to show that you not an overly nice, ineffectual, best friend forever type…without coming across as insecure overcompensating asshole. Figure out how much of an alpha male you legitimately are, then express that within the parameters of your natural behavior. This is much easier if you have an inherent growl and swagger about you, but even a relative pansy can put forth the stronger parts of his core.

Continued in part 2:


17 Responses to “ASK B.E.: How do I make the Ladies love me?”

  1. Kathleen Says:

    Generally good advice, though in my case I love the man despite his reified identity, etiquette and cockiness…I fell for his extra chromosome and bizarre mental landscape.

  2. NotMike Says:

    I’m waiting for part 2: A.J. Valliant answers “How do I trick the guileless ladies into falling into my misogynistic clutches?”

  3. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    ‘One sided wooing is creepy’

    Does this mean I should quit sitting outside potential-boy’s hotel room door with a doggy collar round my neck and a fuzzy leash attached? Shit, that’s the only strategy I’ve got left.

  4. engtech Says:

    I’m waiting for part 2: A.J. Valliant answers “How do I trick the guileless ladies into falling into my misogynistic clutches?”

    Gin and cough syrup.

  5. w()rmwood Says:

    “Generally good advice, though in my case I love the man despite his reified identity, etiquette and cockiness…”

    Wow, she called your identity “reified.”


  6. Rox Says:

    i had to look up the word reified.

  7. Stiletto Says:

    reified. It’s a state of being high.

    Well, congrats AJ. These are excellent tips. Although I’m not sure there’s a difference between woman one and woman four.

  8. donald Says:

    i said it b4 i will say it again hey man cool tips but it doesn’t bring any lovable ladies with it the ladies are all still the same inconsiderate and don’t understand
    i offer them everything and they offer me nothing and treat me as if i don’t exsist
    how do i find a lovable lady who will care about me and not be a useless shit bag

  9. “i offer them everything and they offer me nothing and treat me as if i don’t exsist”

    As a general rule of interpersonal conduct: If someone won’t acknowledge your existence, don’t give them anything…let alone everything. Women (like all people) respond to equals, not supplicants.

    If everyone treats you like you don’t exists you may be a ghost of some sort, or out of phase with this dimension.

    “how do i find a lovable lady who will care about me and not be a useless shit bag”

    I’d work on your attitude first off. Angry/unhappy people draw unpleasant/manipulative people… or create a negative perception that make everyone seem so.

  10. donald Says:

    sorry i don’t belive that about my attitude at least i have a attitude it’s the ladies they r a complete lie with a todaloo attitude what needs to be flushed down the loo i love n repect women always no matter what but they give nothing in return

  11. donald Says:

    i seriously mean it for crying out loud

  12. donald Says:

    sorry to say this but if i do not have 1 loveable lady or more caring about me and bringing tlc into my life and make me feel loved by the end of the week i will know your tips and all the ladies in this world r lying useless shit bags as they always are and always will be but till they bring love consideration and respect into my life sorry ladies but you are all complete scum bags who will always be lying useless shit bags to me
    ladies thanks for proving your nothing but tricks gone wrong
    lots of love yours truely donald

  13. I’m going to be blunt with you Donald: You need to take some fucking responsibility for your life and situation. The “ladies” of the world are not some monolithic entity intent on betraying you and denying you love. They are a collection of individuals, with distinct character, motivation, and value wholly independent of their gender. If every chick you meet treat you like shit, then you are: either provoking a negative reaction with your behaviour, or letting insecurity and bitterness filter your perception of events to fulfill some self serving masochistic expectation, or both.

    Nobody owes you love and consideration: you earn it by behaving like a respectful human being , who engages each person as distinct and trustable entity. Until you let go of the anger and shame of your past, and take accountability for your behaviour, you are not going to have any quality relationships, romantic or otherwise.

  14. Rodney Says:

    Nicely put A.J., I would just add one other thing. Donald there is one constant in your life. You. Therefore if you meet several different women and receive the exact same result with all of them, then maybe you should look at the constant in the equation. (Hint: I gave the constant in the equation ealier in the paragraph ).

  15. w0rmwood Says:

    I agree with both AJ and Rodney.

    However, I would add another piece of advise to the equation.

    There are no guarantees.

    You can be the best person in the whole world and you are not ‘guaranteed’ a meaningful relationship, romantic love, or even getting laid.

    If you take on these, or other, positive qualities as a strategically instrumental attempt to ‘earn’ love or romance, your missing the point.

    All you can do is try to be the best version of yourself that you can be. This doesn’t guarantee anything, except that if you are lucky enough to have the opportunity of love (or romance, or whatever) you are the most prepared you can be for such a chance.

    Feeling entitled is like preparing to be disappointed. Be grateful for what you have, enjoy who you are, and keep working on becoming better at both.

    Much like your keys, you’ll only find what you think you’ve been missing when you stop looking for it.

  16. max Says:

    Try the local women’s shelter Donald. Maybe you can find a girl who’s been beat up so many times she will find being called a “useless shitbag” a refreshing step up.

  17. Feel-ya Says:

    Great comments and advice AJ, Rodney and wormwood! Well spoken – all of you.

    AJ, I’m looking forward to reading Part 2. There are definitely some tips I can apply here.

    Thanks for sharing brotha!


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