Ask B.E.: How do I make the ladies love me, part 2
August 6, 2008
Step 4: Make a move
If you want proceed past the tingly acquaintance phase you need to make a move at some point. Cringing hopefully in the corner of a lady friend’s life won’t get you laid, and it won’t get you loved… it will give you a front row seat to emotional masochist theatre. I cannot emphasis this enough: don’t be that creepy friend, with a poorly concealed crush, who spends his days bad mouthing boyfriends and making angsty mixed tapes. Being an ultra supportive (duplicitous) friend doesn’t entitle you to love you wouldn’t risk the hit for. Devotion without disclosure is obsession. It’s is not romantic… it is a selfish, unhappy, deception.
What you should do:
Read the signs. People are self defeating assholes, that engage in retarded, defective, random behavior (to feed the thousand tiny mouths of conflicting desire). As such it can be difficult to properly suss out the intentional landscape of a prospective lady friend. Still, you can avoid an emotional paddling or two if you apply a little deductive due diligence.
Clear Signs she’s not interested (probably)
– Doesn’t flirt, and seems uncomfortable when you do
– Talks about other crushes around you
– Talks about her boyfriend
– Won’t touch you
– Avoid your calls/emails
Clear Signs she’s interested (probably):
– Get catty when you are around other women
– Wants to drink wine and watch movies at your apartments
– Does the old linger and trail after hugs
– Constantly talks about sex, and how good you’d likely be at it
Lay the groundwork. No matter its deliciousness, if you cram a sandwich down someone’s throat, they will not enjoy it. You need to seed a gradual awareness of your romantic interest; give them time to absorb and react to it in degrees. Tease it out; keep it uncertain enough there are little bursts of discovery and intrigue.
If you just drop the whole thing on their lap, and ask them to deal with it, it becomes an obligation…and that is not sexy. The move should be a culmination of your efforts and play, not the first step.
Don’t Flinch. Here’s the thing, kids, no matter how cool you’ve been, how clear you’ve seen, and how sweet you laid it down, six times out ten it is going to go badly. For all you try and pay it with flowers, gifts, and praise, the currency of love is pride…and there is no guarantee of service. That’s the deal: try and bruise, or hide and rot. There is no way around it. Someone is either worth the pain of exposure, or they are not.
After my first real taste of romantic woe I made an angsty claim:
I’m giving up love for basket weaving; less hurt, more baskets.
Pithy, perhaps, but a surrender to the smallest parts of my self. Fortunately my poor fine motor skills, and stubborn romantic spark, forced me from those wicker shores and back into the mix. I eventually took the hit, got the girl, and realized the ache of giving in far outstrips the pain of failure.
Continued in part 3: Closing the Deal, riding the wave, and Getting out of dodge.