A cruel transubstantiation

September 1, 2008

(a tragic true story)

I meant to do groceries this afternoon. My food supplies have become limited to breakfast cereal, and the questionable remains of past meals. For no particular reason I failed to shop. I had restaurant brunch for breakfast, cereal for lunch, and decided on pasta accompanied by month old, long opened, alfredo cream sauce for supper. A poor decision.

The pasta immediately numbed my mouth, and tasted of cardboard cigarettes. I realized the inherent danger, but the 38 cents of rotinni, and eights minutes of boiling, seemed too strong an investment to simply abandon. I added a great deal of pepper as a curative, since pepper has always had my back. Pepper failed me. Minutes after finishing I could feel the poisoned cream sauce churning my intestines like some deranged milkmaid. Sickness and chagrin built in equal measure.

As awareness of the likely bacterial consequences emerged, I panicked, and took a step that was more intuitively, than medically, justifiable: I drank about a quarter bottle of mouthwash. In my defense, it said anti-bacterial right on the label…so I figured it might quash the gastrointestinal riot outright. As poor a choice as one could make. The shower of peppermint scented vomit that erupted from me transcended the normal laws of volume and space: no person, no creature, could have contained that amount of liquid. The math doesn’t work. The velocity alone precludes it. I can only assume my idiocy was so profund, that it somehow converted to liquid form, and launched itself from my esophagus.

After the retching my walls held long blue stains, and a stench, vile, yet perversely refreshing; it was an intolerable assault on the senses. I tried to flee to my girlfriends apartment, but three steps out the door I almost shat my minty pants. I was forced to shuffle, closed kneed and ashamed, back through the lobby and into my home. The rest of my evening will remain unspoken, but tacitly horrible.

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6 Responses to “A cruel transubstantiation”

  1. max Says:

    Oh no. Poor AJ. I am laughing way harder than is right.

  2. Mike Says:

    Wow, can’t wait to come over.

  3. Paul Says:

    You have the most entertaining terrible life I know of. Congratulations? I guess.

  4. Pollyanna Says:

    I suspect this to be the true reason your Monday night meeting was cancelled.

  5. engtech Says:

    Now I almost don’t feel as bad for the horrible, horrible things I’ve done to your bathroom.

  6. Monkey Says:

    ouch … yeah, i too have had run-ins with pasta sauce that was well past its prime. never pretty, but often memorable.

    hope your intestines have recovered.


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