Political Peril: A Beats Entropy special report ; Sarah Palin

September 8, 2008

Past Special Reports on Hillary Clinton , Ralph Nader

BREAKDOWN

Two term mayor of a five figure town, Sarah Palin turned a career as a sportscaster and pageant queen into an implausible half term as Governor of Alaska. Then she got nominated for the Vice Presidency of the most powerful nation in the world. Her background is a tad thin, but I’ll break it down as best I can.

A person of deep Pentecostal faith, Governor Palin follows a literal interpretation of the bible, a strict adherence to the constitution, and a hockey mom’s lust for blood and maverick politics. Her husband is not allowed to speak on camera, so let’s just say “he’s an earthy fellow” and move on.

Things she believes in: The 5th amendment, tough love, Jebus, ethics reform, capital punishment, queers staying single,  and a woman’s right to birth her rape sown baby or face prison time.

Things she doesn’t believe in:  Government handouts (outside of Alaska), affirmative action, evolution, physics, and about 20 000 years of human history.

***

POSITIVES

–  Her impressive conservative credentials include: attempted book banning, gun tote’n, speaking in tongues, and not murdering her retard baby in the womb.

-It only took her six years and three schools to get a four year communications degree.

– After campaigning for a bridge to nowhere she decided it made Alaskans look bad, so she blocked the building of it (but, you know, kept all the money). A capacity for irony is a deeply despised trait in Alaska, as is a capacity to read without moving your lips, so she strongly represents the values of and interests of her constituents.

– Alaska is close to Russia…guaranteeing her a steely, cold war Reganesque, resolve in any potential nuclear showdowns with the nefarious Soviets.

– Hell of a rack.

NEGATIVES

She won Miss Congeniality (read: second place) in the Miss Alaska pageant.  Sounds impressive, until you realize there are only twelve women in Alaska, ten of whom couldn’t get off their shifts at the salmon cannery. Second place in an Alaskan beauty pageant is like third place in an Arkansas spelling bee: more damming, than laudatory.

Note: a piebald moose got third place. Her husband took fourth, and was later asked to judge the 08 pageant.

These are her children’s actual names:

Bristol Palin: I can only assume they bought her a stripper pole for her third birthday, to accompany her whorish sobriquet. The teenage pregnancy was karmicly inevitability.

Willow Palin: Really, not that bad a name. A vigilante nurse must have interpreted their original chose of Tree Sap.

Piper Indy Palin: I initially thought Piper was a bird reference…but it turns out she was named after their plane, a Piper PA-18 super cub. The Indy refers to the open wheel racing series beloved by hillbillies world wide. To recap: they named their daughter after their plane, and a motor sport division. Their daughter.

Track CJ Palin: I suppose Indy needed somewhere to drive. Or, perhaps, unable find a pure noun sufficiently ridiculous, the Palin’s decided to give a verb a shot at the big game.  Oh, and CJ doesn’t stand for anything, it’s his full middle name: CJ. Probably for the best.

Trig Paxson Van Palin: As if this kid didn’t have it hard enough. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume Trig in the British slang sense (trim, smart, good physical condition), but given his abundance of chromosomes, and the family tradition of naming kids after redneck hobbies, It’s likely short for trigger. To round thing out they added the last name of a c list actor, and the vehicle of choice for child abductors.

Come on man; shouldn’t the state step in at some point? …oh yeah, she’s the Governor…and has a history of firing public employees who thwart her personal vendettas, not a lot they could do.

***

Past Special Reports on Hillary Clinton , Ralph Nader

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15 Responses to “Political Peril: A Beats Entropy special report ; Sarah Palin”

  1. Reggatron Says:

    “Things she believes in: The 5th amendment, tough love, Jebus, ethics reform, capital punishment, queers staying single, and a woman’s right to birth her rape sown baby or face prison time.

    OH SHIT SON…Ring the bell, shes knocked out in the first round.

  2. Rodney Says:

    Alright, Democrats it is…

  3. max Says:

    Finally! A plausible explanation for those names. They just confused hell out of me. Thank you for clearing that up.

  4. conundrum Says:

    Inflicting those names on her children proves she is a first class sadist.

    I understand she is a much better shot than the “Dick” Cheney so the damn lawyers better stay out of her way.

  5. Jive Says:

    Great post but I have one request. Leave Bill Paxton out of this man. His “game over” line in Aliens is classic. IMO it guarantees him a solid B list status


  6. “Leave Bill Paxton out of this man. His “game over” line in Aliens is classic. IMO it guarantees him a solid B list status”

    Very fair, sir. He directed and starred a movie called “Fragility” a couple years back that I really dug.

  7. jesse Says:

    I read in the NY times, I believe, that she chose Van as the middle name of her freshest child because Van Palin sounded like Van Halen. Nice….

  8. Anita Marie Says:

    She was runner up in one of those Pageants.
    God help me…why do I know that?

  9. engtech Says:

    The new McCain/Palin election posters:

  10. LaToebitha Says:

    Meanwhile, up in Canada where there is also an election campaign under way, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was recently asked what kind of vegetable he’d be. His reply: “I would choose, if I had to, instead to be a fruit”.

    All irony aside (this from the man who tried to reverse the legalization of same-sex marriage), this is a pretty accurate assessment as he is prickly on the outside, with insides regarded by some “…as overpowering and offensive” evoking “reactions from deep appreciation to intense disgust”.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durian


  11. Creepily on point, engtech.

  12. Cardinal47 Says:

    Good analysis! You have found your new calling, political blogger. Now give us some similar insight on Uncle Steve.

  13. Stiletto Says:

    Durian is atrocious smelling.

    Thanks for the assessment, AJ. Keen insight, as usual.


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