Letter Day 100: Listful ponderings

September 16, 2008

Wow…so, the U.S. economy sort of broke. What happened? How fucked are we?

Daniel Rogers

Kapashaw, NY

Well, Dan, I’m not sure a unemployed aspiring writer, whose idea of financial planning is seeding his apartment with random pockets of change, is really the best source of economic insight.  Still, it’s not like actual economist are any good at this either, so I’ll give it a shot.

Here’s the math

Bank + old rich guy (barren wife)/cheap thrills*not their money

No oversight+ too many episodes of flip this house*predatory lending

Equals: China hosting the next politburo meeting in the Statue of Liberty’s torch

I hope that cleared things up for you.

***

What are the ten most useful things to have?

Curious Gorge

Yellowhat, Pemberton

In no specific order

–          WD-40

–          A ready alibi

–          The love of a good women

–          Spellchecker

–          Muscular arms

–          Clubpack sized bag of Chicken Fingers

–          Cab fare

–          Healthy sense of irony

–          Sturdy shoes

–          Sufficient hope

***

You never seem to talk about your children [1] anymore. Did something happen to them? If they are ok I would like to know what sort of father you are. What kind of rules do you set?

Paul Ebberts

Pomona, FL

Thank you for your concern, Paul; they are as well as could be expected. Due to an ugly custody battle they spend most their time with their harpy of a mother.  Though they are not with me often, when they are, I run a pretty tight ship. Children needs boundaries, and a cruel labyrinthine of contradicting rules and subtle gamesmanship, to develop properly.

The main rules are as such:

– In bed before 10pm

– No spitting

– Two hours of Zither and Theremin practice each evening. No excuses.

–  Snitches get twice the punishment of the person they are snitching on.

– Withholding information from their father results result in dishrag dinner for a week.

– No Marxist rhetoric after 5 pm

-Sustained eye contact means they must battle me for control of the family. Should they lose, a shameful middle name is legally added to there identity. Hence my oldest sons full name: Ricochet Notsotoughashethinks Failure Valliant.

– They are to go as Destro, and Cobra Commander, every Halloween…or they must pay a 70% candy surtax. Any attempt to circumvent the candy surtax will result in them having to go as The Concept of Betrayal and A Fathers Lament the following year [2].

– Bedside pistols must have safeties deployed, and be close at hand in case of closet monsters.

-In event of a closet monster it’s every man for himself.

Aside from those, things are pretty laissez faire. They’re good kids, so we keep it easy.

***

[1] I have two sons: Ricochet (12 yrs) and Lucifer (9 yrs) Valliant.

[2] Both costumes essential consist of eyeless black masks, and gas station coveralls full of scorpions.

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4 Responses to “Letter Day 100: Listful ponderings”


  1. Wow… I can’t believe I didn’t swear. A letter day first.

  2. Stiletto Says:

    Ricochet? Now that’s a suiting name for a Palin grandchild.

  3. Jive Says:

    As always, your answers to reader mail both inform and inspire.

  4. Apostle Says:

    “- WD-40

    – A ready alibi

    – The love of a good women

    – Spellchecker

    – Muscular arms

    – Clubpack sized bag of Chicken Fingers

    – Cab fare

    – Healthy sense of irony

    – Sturdy shoes

    – Sufficient hope”

    A little bit of brilliance right there.


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