Ask BE: What would you do with 10000$ cash.

November 11, 2008

You guys have a pretty unique vision of the world: if I gave you 10000$ cash what would you use it on? Would you be fiscally responsible and sock it away for your future needs, or would you would you invest in some glorious scheme of world domination?

That Theodore guy you never met

Placeville, MO

Well, Theodore, I imagine it would be more the latter. I’ve long resigned myself to my lack of financial savvy; in lieu of saving effectively, I’ve learned to squander with flare. As compensatory mechanisms go it’s up there with clawing the imaginary bugs from your skin…but it should make for some interesting graveside anecdotes come judgment time.

While I’m a mercurial sort, at the moment I am likely spending it on one of the following endeavors:

Orchestral accompaniment


I’ve always wanted a trio of cellists to follow me around everywhere, adding poignancy to any minor defeat I suffered. Say the bus was late; I’d just hold my head in my hands and stare despondently at the ground, the sonorous weeping of strings lending weight to the moment, and class to the bus stop. Imagine the artful tyranny: no one could refuse any demand I made upon them…knowing my murder of Cellists would sweep into soaring lament at the first sign of refusal. It would be weaponized melancholy of the highest order…lyric guilt bending all wills to my purpose.

I’d even coat myself in a thin, sepia toned, polymer film[1], to give a grainy surreality to the proceedings…perhaps hire an alcoholic European clown to scoff bitterly at the obviousness of the whole thing, decry me as jejune parody of myself, in his brittle, syphilis ravaged voice. What a magnificent day it would be.

Alternately:

I’d buy me two of those pygmy Hippos. The first I’d call Chubby Charles, the second Grimaldo. I’d dress one up like a bowling ball, and the other a tiny Shrek, come Halloween. Both would be beaten with a ladle when I had a bad day a work, and oiled with saffron and bacon fat when I had good one. Eventually, when sufficient growth had occurred to permit it, I’d affix to each a saddle, and force midgets to joust upon them in my backyard…the loser[2] condemned to sleep in the least prestigious of my dresser drawers.

A niche thrill, certainly, but one well worth the laborious setup…and far more gratifying than the sloth knife fight I’ve been trying to setup for years now.

***

[1] The inevitable skin failure this caused would only add to the posthumous Elephantman dignity I crave.

[2] Midget, not Hippo. And the winner would, of course, get to sleep in the most prestigious of my dresser drawers.

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7 Responses to “Ask BE: What would you do with 10000$ cash.”

  1. sulya Says:

    “perhaps hire an alcoholic European clown to scoff bitterly at the obviousness of the whole thing, decry me as jejune parody of myself, in his brittle, syphilis ravaged voice. What a magnificent day it would be.”

    For this and for many other lines in this post…

    Thank you.

    With a huge tired smile and the true will (if not the actual ability at present) to laugh riotously up through my current whiney self-pitying malaise… Just thank you.

  2. David Says:

    Would that be US dollars? If so, they don’t buy what they once did. One might prefer pounds, euros or chinese yuan.

    Did Theodore of MO put the $ at the end of the numbers or is that a Canadian translation thing? Inquiring minds need to know.

    I would contribute financially in a substantial manner to your pygmy hippo and midget jousting scenario. Also, living in an apartment in an urban setting, I am lacking the facilities for such an indulgence.


  3. “With a huge tired smile and the true will (if not the actual ability at present) to laugh riotously up through my current whiney self-pitying malaise… Just thank you.”

    You’re quite welcome, Mam.


  4. “Did Theodore of MO put the $ at the end of the numbers or is that a Canadian translation thing? Inquiring minds need to know.”

    Part Canadian, part my complete lack of functional punctuation.

  5. Cal Says:

    i’d have an electrical plate installed at the the front of my store, with a voltage control dial at the front cash. at anytime i see fit, i would release a moderate charge as an irate ass-hat of a customer enters to return any non-defective merchandise. this would most likely cause some very minor physical changes (to the product being returned that is) thus negating the customer warranty supplied by us as the item displays signs of physical damage. if it did not show any signs of said damage then at the very least i could indulge my fantasies of making wealthy businessmen and arrogant networking consultants commit involuntary bowel discharges due to minor electrocution. my initial purchase would yield long term profits for lack of refunding merchandise. plus it’d keep the cheapskates out.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I’d buy shares in Microsoft

  7. Stiletto Says:

    Scaling Enron-ian heights of debauchery and madness with a meager $10,000. I like it.


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