Letter Day Aught Aught Aught: The holidation

December 8, 2008

A friend and I are having a friendly wager we’d like you to settle: What is the most painfully earnest song ever recorded? Your insight is appreciated.

Wally Segovia

That would be: Beautiful, by James Blount

James Blount: It’s like David Bowie and a Quavering ghost from the moor had a child and forced it to play nothing but tea party and dress up for the first five years of its life.

Not only is this a painfully earnest song about falling in love: it’s a painful earnest song about falling in love with some chick you saw once and never had the sack to talk to. That is just above an epic poem about how the bus splashed you on your way to work on the pathetic scale.

What really puts it over the top is that it was created in the age of irony, where piteous emotive wailing is roundly scorned. I can just picture the sound engineers catcalling and pelting Blount with garbage during the recording. Somewhere Dan Hill* walks with a slightly less emasculated limp; knowing James Blount has taken his station on  the folk rock cross.

*Note his uncanny resemblance to the Geico caveman.


I need a random pithy line that seems clever, but doesn’t really mean anything, that I can whip out at parties. Can you help me out?

Confused in Sowtowtn

Sure, Confused. Try this on for size:

No one has ever fucked away their problems, or married their mistakes into submission.


What ever happened to the poetry on this site? How about a little seasonal haiku to ease the transition through the frozen months of darkness.

Buck Denmal


Done and done, Buck.

Winters breath on my balls

Huddle close my oblong gents

Will Spring return you?


So are you looking more forward to Christmas this year? It is important in troubled times to really celebrate the small moments. Even if you don’t enjoy it your self you should make an effort for the people around.

Sarah :)

Why must you Christmas fundamentalist hound me? How has a half Pagan/half Christian ritual, that is only supposed to last a day, taken over a whole month and gained such prominence that I am somehow violating the social compact by disliking it?

You can give up treat or treating and it is seen as a natural progression into adulthood: stop celebrating Christmas and you are a misanthropic sociopath bent on plunging a spear of pure bitterness into the heart of the Messiah. I could burn down a church full of orphans mid-July and invite less social censure than skipping a few dinners come late December. It’s not like I’m kicking over managers and snatching children off Santa’s lap…I just want to be left alone to brood in peace.

I had a co-worker all but spit in my face when I told her I was planning to spend the 22nd to 26th alone in my apartment: as if my choice was some hateful repudiation of her own joy; a short in the great Christmas circuit that would plunge us all into darkness. I don’t make other people feel guilty for not celebrating occasions I enjoy*. Leave me to my Christmas hole, damn it!

* Jerk week. Valabration Tuesdays. The Feast of Toast and Bachelor Sundries.


13 Responses to “Letter Day Aught Aught Aught: The holidation”

  1. w0rmwood Says:

    Ok, is it just me, or is that Santa/Baby(jesus?) statue really creepy?

    If I had created that statue, it would either be called:

    “Dirty Uncle Teddy, dressed as Santa, drunk on peppermint Schnapps, days prior to his arrest”


    “My Earliest Memory: Why I hate Christmas and Sex”

  2. “Ok, is it just me, or is that Santa/Baby(jesus?) statue really creepy?”

    I felt it best represented my feelings of the yuletide forcing itself upon me.

    And the too good to be true sweetener: I snagged the picture from catholicsupply.com

    They are not even trying to hide it anymore.

  3. Quavering ghost of the moor Says:

    “James Blount: It’s like David Bowie and a quavering ghost from the moor had a child and forced it to play nothing but tea party and dress up for the first five years of its life.”

    How dare you, sir!

  4. Pollyanna Says:

    catholicsupply.com is the best, I just love their jesus sports statues.

  5. sulya Says:

    I have now read your anti-christmas rant so many times I just about have it memorized. I read it to a couple friends too. I might just start reading it to complete strangers… Especially those who offer to sing me carols or ask me for money while wearing funny red hats…

    The only difference between me, the Grinch and Scrooge is that the Grinch and Scrooge both learn lessons and to appreciate Christmas at some point in their stories… I’d rather chew bark and spit it at seals then learn to appreciate this tinselly tone-deaf treacly tin-shack of a an annual attempt to deify credit cards…

    Anyway. It is not often that a person can reach inside your brain, lift out your feelings and then articulate them so clearly and yet with their own special flair. So, thank you. I will quietly envy you your solitude and misanthropy as I inevitably argue with family and pretend I’m happy about my child accumulating more stuff.

  6. Jive Says:

    Is Jerk Week like Shark Week? Is that on TLC or Discovery? I have to admit I’m curious. Being a jerk for a week could be quite liberating.

  7. “I will quietly envy you your solitude and misanthropy as I inevitably argue with family and pretend I’m happy about my child accumulating more stuff.”

    Your envy and gratitude are appreciated in equal measure: in the true anti-christmas spirit.

  8. Cal Says:

    I must agree with you on this one. i haven’t been home in years for xmas, my parents always ask and i always gently decline.

    you see there may be a fair number of people out there that will pout when you refuse to give into their “holiday cheer” but the sad reality is there are far more self absorbed materialistic instant gratification junkies than there are “jesus is the reason for the season” martyrs. it’s because of those capitalist ass-hats that i am unable to enjoy any time off the past several years. i only have christmas day off. that’s right. one day. yipee fucking doo dah day. i get more days off in a weekend than i do during the largest longest worldwide holiday and that’s pretty fuckin sad.

    so in response to your plans of sitting at home for a week doing nothing. i chose to shoot lasers of envy at the back of your head, and wish that all of your toilet paper is replaced with course grit sandpaper dipped in lemon juice and salt; while your cupboards are stocked with nothing but ass-piss inducing cans of spicy chili.

    but you won’t hear me say it’s unseasonal of you.

  9. Cal Says:

    i almost forgot…

    i fucking hate that james blunt song. i hate it so bad. it makes me want to strangle kittens. that’s how much rage that song boils within me.


  10. Cal Says:

    wait a minute… is it just me or does that santa statue look like he’s trying to molest poor baby jesus while filming it on the camcorder that mrs. santa got nicky last christmas to enhance the bedroom life since the elves refused to do “overtime”?

  11. Stiletto Says:

    ‘They are not even trying to hide it anymore.’

    You are so going to hell, hater. I rather enjoy the holiday season but for all the wrong reasons. I have an excuse to drink myself into oblivion as I cheaply throw myself at the wrong men. I figure that to be an integral part of giving.

  12. Cal Says:

    who’s going to hell? me or aj? cause i bought my advance ticket a real long time ago, it cost extra too. that way i’ll feel like i’m being ass raped even more when i finally get there and discover it’s an intimate and interactive Randy Newman concert with nothing but keffiyeh wearin’ hipster douches requesting Arcade Fire songs, and Steve Jobs singing backup. ugh i didn’t think my mind was capable of such horrors…

  13. Cal: You holiday bitterness solidarity is greatly appreciated.

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