My new home

January 17, 2009

I have a new home. Or at least a place for the larger part of my time and essential possessions; the personal connection is still lacking. There’s still this thin umbilical tendril to my seedy apartment down the street, and the bachelorbirth within; its squalor and disarray having sustained me in bleak and mysterious ways. I imagine this is a temporary condition, a phantom limb that fades with need; but I’m not sure if my respectable new digs will form the same attachment.

The new place is nice, though cold: and I don’t mean in terms of its metaphorical austerity…I mean in terms of my balls freezing to the toilet seat should I sit too carelessly forward. In a bold experiment the old owners decided to test the R-value of gum wrappers and mean spirited whispering. The gum wrappers have long departed, leaving only taunts and innuendo to insulate us from the bitter winter chill. My lady friend assures me a space heater and good slippers will remedy this problem; I fear the cold has already driven her mad.

This change in situation in part explains my absence from this site. My lifelong battle with crystal methamphetamine and dried tiger semen also played a contributing factor. At least one of these distractions is on the wain, though, so expect me around these parts regular again.

Sincerely,

The Management.

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7 Responses to “My new home”

  1. Romi Says:

    Is the one on the table a stuffed cat? I’m totally freaked out by that.

    PS: is there any research that supports the potential highs associated with tiger semen in its liquid state? Just curious…

  2. max Says:

    The cat needs a space heater. You will probably survive and thrive in any sort of hostile environment but the cat needs heat.

  3. sulya Says:

    If memory serves, you drink tea. I am guessing that the squinting near-cat is a tea cozy of some kind but I would love to be wrong and that you are, in your spare time, a strange sort of half-artist, half-taxidermist… That might be a good story…

    I am also amused by the fact that you have two half cartons of eggs on the table. Empty it would seem.

    Why not buy the whole twelve? This seems to be an important piece of the valliant puzzle… Or not. I’m just in this sort of mood.

    Lastly, you were not kidding about the largesse of your real cat… She is big. She is BEAUTIFUL. I am not sure you deserve her… Or, perhaps, she does not deserve you? Does she too share your predilections for the semen of large cats and high-impact speed?

    No matter how you feel, or will feel, about the new digs… That is some VERY nice light – even if it sheds no real warmth as it infiltrates and sparkles…

    Thanks for the still life. Very provocative.


  4. “is there any research that supports the potential highs associated with tiger semen in its liquid state?”

    It’s mostly anecdotal…but compelling.


  5. “The cat needs a space heater. You will probably survive and thrive in any sort of hostile environment but the cat needs heat.”

    Felcia has reached sufficient mass and density that she can collapse her self into a fusion reaction (of the feline star sort) if the need presses. I pray daily she does not realize this.


  6. “If memory serves, you drink tea. I am guessing that the squinting near-cat is a tea cozy of some kind but I would love to be wrong and that you are, in your spare time, a strange sort of half-artist, half-taxidermist…”

    And Sulya wins the mystery prize. The feline gentleman is alternately a tea cozy, pope hat, and unknowable god to the three cats in our house.

  7. Jive Says:

    “Felcia has reached sufficient mass and density that she can collapse her self into a fusion reaction (of the feline star sort) if the need presses. I pray daily she does not realize this.”

    I am fascinated by this concept of kitty fusion. The potential for renewable energy could be huge.. Please conduct more research


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