My Christmas Beard

January 26, 2009

My beard has gotten the better of me; Perhaps the whole. It was born of indolence; defiance; this seedy, steady, gesture of uncaring. This deliberate holiday disrepair. If I had to suffer through Christmas I’d do so in the guise of a old tyme strike breaker; whiskers wet with the blood and gristle of unionist agitators. I also rarely wore pants: there was no deeper reason for this; I’ve just never enjoyed them.

Christmas passed. The beard outlived the season. It thickened and curled and hung in heavy garlands down my throat. I would awake to find it soaked in tears and filled with cryptic notes from my cats: “You dreamt of summer thieves again…meet me tomorrow”. I should have been alarmed.

Over time I began slouching and lurking about for no particular reason. I found myself rolling up my sleeves and adding straps to my boots, that I might pull at them: my work ethic increased, though my industry was largely of the glaring at passer-by’s type. The Jewish lass became concerned, and began speaking against it. I attempted to lash out verbally, but the moustache made my lips so numb I asked her to marry me. She declined. The beard delighted.


7 Responses to “My Christmas Beard”

  1. NotMike Says:

    That’s some Chester A. Arthur, right there.

  2. Mary Land Says:

    Why don’t you have a shirt on in the second picture?

  3. Jive Says:

    Disrepair and pantlessness, that my friends is what christmas holidays are all about.

  4. Notmike: That is three kinds of Chester A. Arthur, and pinch of John Wilkes Booth for spice.

    Mary: It’s out of frame, but I’m wearing a tube top in that picture. I have my pride, after all.

    Jive: Pantless Disrepair was the name of the Nirvana tribute band I used to front.

  5. max Says:

    Wow, marriage proposals is big news.

  6. Esmerelda Sconeflinger Says:

    Top notch, mutton chops, my lad. Jolly good show, jolly good show indeed.

  7. Jive Says:

    Start training AJ, the title fight for facial hair supremacy is going down in alaska this year:

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