25 things about myself I’ve been hounded in revealing

February 22, 2009

1. I learned three things from the death of Ichabod Crane

–          Headless Revenants will not cross running water

–          It is unkind to throw pumpkins at people

–          An awesome name does not ensure a perfect life

I’ve only ever had opportunity to apply two of those lessons.

2. My chest hair has thickened enough it looks like I am smuggling Burmese Mountain dogs about town. When I sweat excessively the patterns it makes can be read like tea leaves.

3. I hate running gags in jokes, catch phrases, and regurgitated humor used as means of social affirmation. If you can’t be witty, at least don’t be repetitive. The irony of stating this in a facebook meme does not escape me.

4. This kid deliberately spilled my marbles when I was eight. A swarm of thieving recess goers surrounded me, and when the ravenous horde dispersed there were no marbles to be seen. Were I to run across the adult version of the marble spiller, I would throw his baby in a well. This is my oldest and deepest grudge.

5. Word to the wise: The handstand armistice I attempted to negotiate between my Morning Wood and Dawn Bladder proved ill advised, and more physically challenging than anticipated.

6. I had a twin brother when I was born. He died a couple hours after our birth. His name was Jason, hence the “J” in A.J. . I suppose I carry a little survivor guilt around that I rarely acknowledge. I’ve not made the most of my life, and I wonder if he could have made better given the opportunity.

7. My teeth are abnormally small; my arms are abnormally long.

8. I am a borderline obsessive Raptors fan. I have different positions I sit in depending on whether they need my assistance on offense, or defense.  Should they lose (which they often do) I take it  as a personal indictment of my viewership methods, and am depressed for hours afterwards.

9. I am historically a poor boyfriend, and great friend. This often led to my side being taken despite some fairly suspect behavior on my part. Sorry ladies.

10. I have two Sarah McLaughlin songs on my workout playlist. Aida and Hold on. For some reason they pump me up. I regularly think, while squatting heavy weight: “Aida, I do not believe I will fail you this rep”. Sometimes I start laughing and almost get crushed beneath the weight.

11. I used to have Paint it Black on that same play list…but it made me feel like I getting ready for a serial killer rampage.

12. Obvious rhymes make angry.

13. A.J. has been my name for my entire life and I’m still not sure how many periods are necessary if I use it at the end of a sentence. Is it A.J.. Or, A.J.  If it is only one period, I feel I’m being denied my due punctuation. The periods are part of my name, they shouldn’t count as grammar.

14. My paternal grandfather had the bearing of a weathered Optimus Prime: rugged, fundamentally decent, and borne by the moral authority of a kind man in hard times. His name was George, as is my middle one.

15. My cat Felicia has gradually acquired a fame and mythology wholly out of proportion with her 10$ purchase price [Ed: Said fame and mythology are, however, fully in proportion with her physical dimensions]. I have awoken to find pilgrims stuffing notes into her fat rolls. Most were quite touching: the notes, not the pilgrims.

16. I have a medically poor sense of direction. When I tell people this they assume I am overstating things, then mock me the first time my cartoonish disability comes into play.

17. I once dressed a spider up in a tiny suit and told all my friends he’d been bitten by a radioactive man. Two years later he bought the company I worked for and put me out on the street. I learned no lesson from this.

18. I probably have too many chromosomes. I’ve been trying to get a straight answer for years, but I keep forgetting to send the University of Alberta some blood. This troubles me far less than it should.

19. My friend Sulya teaches children to dance. Though that should seem like teaching the wind to blow, I suspect she accounts herself well.

20. I tend to date lively women prone to depression. I’m not sure if this speaks more to my taste, or my company.

21. I believe that events have a certain momentum, so even if you traveled back in time and laid pipe into a few key variables, things would still reach the same general outcome. This realization forced me to abandon a very promising time-displacement device I’d been developing out of a old commodore 64, cast iron bathtub, and about two quarts of mescaline.

22. When I was five I told my classmates that I had found a box full of kittens in a barn. This was a lie. The kids asked that I take them to said barn; I agreed. The closer we got to the theoretical barn the more I tried to downplay the charms of the kittens within “Most of them are pretty ugly. One has an infected eye. There was an owl in there that could have eaten a couple”. Eventually I saw a large wooden shed that could pass for a barn, claimed the kittens were in there, and then ran away when the other children entered the shed.  We moved three days later, so I will never know if there were indeed kitten in that shed.

23. In my real life I rarely mention Beatsentropy. I avoid this as I hate shilling, and have this warped belief that art will disseminate into the world of its own accord.

24. I really like this song: http://radio3.cbc.ca/play/band/King-Cobb-Steelie/Rational/

25. I don’t trust men with weak chins or overly round heads. It is a sign of low character. I feel wholly justified in this.


5 Responses to “25 things about myself I’ve been hounded in revealing”

  1. baredfeetandteeth Says:

    Not one bit of that is even mildly surprising.

  2. sulya Says:

    I’m not sure what troubles me more, the fact that it took me a ridiculously long time to even NOTICE that Mickey has an enormous hard on (how, I wonder, have I become near-blind to cartoon animals with erections?) or the fact that you are single-handedly and unapologetically trying to revive Physiognomy as a valid form of character analysis…

    (P.S. The juxtaposition of 23 and 24 amuses me.)

  3. “(P.S. The juxtaposition of 23 and 24 amuses me.)”

    I appreciate that you always catch the small stuff.

  4. Cal O'Shaughnessy Says:

    i sit here wiping tears from my face, after watching one of my favourite tv shows. the show or what started me crying isn’t the point, not even the fact that i sit in on a saturday night watching downloaded tv shows by myself and nobody calls me to do anything. what’s really sad is that i’ve done this, these are conditions i’ve created and i didn’t even realise it til i was forced to address the prominent lonliness i’ve been feeling lately. which led me down a path of thought: that i’ve never really let anyone know who i am, and being a problem solver of sorts think to myself “i’ll write something, i’ll confess all these dark, disturbing, alienating thoughts that inhabit my brain, maybe that’ll make me feel better”. no better time than the present to let people know who Cal is.
    one problem.
    i don’t know who i am anymore. i think i once knew, but i’m not sure. see, i question everything i think and do. i don’t trust myself. what if i’m wrapped up in so many lies that i wouldn’t know the real me if i came across it?
    i’m tired now, so i’ll just say that i too don’t trust people with weak chins. i’ve always agreed with you. and i never felt so ashamed when i called bullshit on your twin brother in front of your mom and you. i was so used to your fantastical imagination and been victim to it enough that i thought you were having me on. when your mom backed you up i wanted to die. even though those were some of the best times in my life.

  5. Pollyanna Says:

    re #25: I have an affinity for ladies with good strong eyebrows. I don’t think lesser-eyebrowed ladies are lacking character, but they are somewhat inscrutable.

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