I barebacked the internet and got burnt

March 2, 2009

I’ve historically relied more on providence than protection to safeguard my computer; trusting in the innate goodwill of Latvian movie pirates and Russian pornographers …such was the bounty they brought. There was no legitimate reason that I didn’t use some free anti-virus software, save the thrill of raw information pulsing through my computer, the filthy heat of foreign code. Also: someone likely once advised me it was foolish to do otherwise, forcing me to embrace the contrary position as a point of pride.

It is thus unsurprising that my PC is now more smallpox than blanket; a swaddling so virulent my cat has taken to donning a SARS mask before entering my office. It doesn’t just break things: there is a tangible malicious presence that divines my intent, and then thwarts it. Random program features disappear when called upon, documents writhe and shimmy when used. It creates pretend websites that it funnels me into with false Google links, when it deigns to allow internet use at all. Last night it decided that I no longer deserve sound, and deleted all of my drivers. I fear the next step is blinding me in my sleep.

My attempts to battle it have proved fruitless. System restores were brushed aside. Anti Viruses beaten and emasculated before me. My friend Jay tried to help and it slashed the tires on his car. Though I fear reprisal, tonight I try and format my harddrive. Should this fail I may need to abandon my house entirely. Think well of me.


6 Responses to “I barebacked the internet and got burnt”

  1. Cal O'Shaughnessy Says:

    i can’t help but *face palm* at your erroneous lack of computer safety. yet at the same time i’m not surprised in the least. at all.

    if said computer is a laptop, try the restoration partition or disc that came with it. if it’s a custom-ish desktop with windows installed, then yes by all means format that fucker without prejudice, after you’ve done your updates an stuff; please please use something. Latvians are notoriously dirty, Russians too.

    now if it’s a mac, first off you should document it. for two reasons: one to prove to the rest of the world that they indeed get viruses, and two… to show that someone actually gave enough of a shit to write said virus for a group of systems that the rest of the world doesn’t care about. after you’ve done all your documenting you should promptly go play in traffic ’cause you own a mac.

  2. Romi Says:

    “filthy heat of foreign code”…wow suddenly I’m craving the body heat and lusciousness of a filthy foreigner….(what?)

    Anyway I hope you haven’t been sucked into your computer’s viral vortex. Be well.

  3. jcow81 Says:

    I did the same damn thing. Too much searching on the porn tubes and crazy free music sites. I had to have my IT friend come and dump my entire hard drive. No fun at all. When my wife asked how it happened I tried to play dumb. Oh I guess i didn’t have to play.

  4. Blitzkrieg Barbie Says:

    Unfortunate for you, there is no morning after pill. You shall have to live with the consequences of your action. I suggest if it’s more trouble than it’s worth you might consider aborting.

  5. Blitzkrieg Barbie Says:

    ‘I suggest if it’s more trouble than it’s worth you might consider aborting.’ Covertly, however. I would hate to see your streets lined with Silicone Valley wing nuts holding picket signs bearing pictures of discarded intel chips.

  6. Monkey Says:

    “Latvians are notoriously dirty, Russians too.”

    While I can’t speak for the Latvians, this Russian monkey smells like roses.

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