I barebacked the internet and got burnt
March 2, 2009
I’ve historically relied more on providence than protection to safeguard my computer; trusting in the innate goodwill of Latvian movie pirates and Russian pornographers …such was the bounty they brought. There was no legitimate reason that I didn’t use some free anti-virus software, save the thrill of raw information pulsing through my computer, the filthy heat of foreign code. Also: someone likely once advised me it was foolish to do otherwise, forcing me to embrace the contrary position as a point of pride.
It is thus unsurprising that my PC is now more smallpox than blanket; a swaddling so virulent my cat has taken to donning a SARS mask before entering my office. It doesn’t just break things: there is a tangible malicious presence that divines my intent, and then thwarts it. Random program features disappear when called upon, documents writhe and shimmy when used. It creates pretend websites that it funnels me into with false Google links, when it deigns to allow internet use at all. Last night it decided that I no longer deserve sound, and deleted all of my drivers. I fear the next step is blinding me in my sleep.
My attempts to battle it have proved fruitless. System restores were brushed aside. Anti Viruses beaten and emasculated before me. My friend Jay tried to help and it slashed the tires on his car. Though I fear reprisal, tonight I try and format my harddrive. Should this fail I may need to abandon my house entirely. Think well of me.