Letter Day 214: Pepito’s folly

April 15, 2009

I was looking at the pictures section and trying to decide just how metro you are. I see a fair amount of shaved chest and pouty face, but you have these terribly bushy eyebrows and reported tufts of shoulder hair. Just how rigorous is your grooming routine?

Sarah H.

Bit of a mixed bag really, Sarah. I’m starting from an odd place esthetically: I’m both uncommonly handsome, and uncommonly hairy. While the two are not entirely at mutual opposition, if left unchecked the hairiness leaves me looking like a down on his luck chimpanzee Hugo Boss model (with oddly small teeth).So I do make an effort to tidy up a little; I’m just not very good at it. Yesterday I pulled a nose hair from so deep there were flecks of brain and bits of childhood memory dangling from the end. I would have kept going but one side of my face went numb and I developed an intense craving for pumpkin bread…seemed a bad sign.

****

What sort of hookup game do you have? Are you a real mack? What is you best pickup move?

Crazy Mitch.

Pomona, California


My best pickup moves in descending order

5. Beat the hell out of the guy she’s with. If she only has female friends I’ll make one of them feel really bad about her shoes.

4. Show her the quilt I made from scraps of former girlfriends clothes and hair.

3. Dress up like her father and then totally ignore her.

2..Dose her with  a love potion I make from cable car oil, gumption, and deadly poisonous nightshade.

1. Pull up my shirt just far enough she sees the hilt of my knife.

****

What’s wronger- Intentionally slamming a midgets head in a car door, or, Destroying a priceless work of art? I realize this is a bit of a false dilemma, but I’d appreciate an answer regardless.

Scott Salvation,

The wilderness of the mind

Tough question, Scott. You’re asking me to weigh the cultural gestalt against the singular moral imperative; the worth of pattern over process; the merit of perfected abstract over deformed concrete: this is no simple matter. I suppose it’s a matter of investment:

Do you know the midget?

Did he pass out right away, or did he wail like a stuck hobbit?

How funny was it when he fell down?

Did the art resonate with you?

Was the artist a douche?

Will you regret not being able to burn it at a later date?

There is no hard answer, but in general it is half as bad to do something to a midget (as compared to a real person), so it’s better to error in that direction. Aside from which, you can’t really replace a work of art, while all but the finest midgets can be replaced by a large headed child with a strong work ethic. I hope I was able to help you.

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