Letter Day: 302; Literary requests

June 3, 2009

HEY AJ! Sorry to bother you but I need to write two poems for my college compositional class. Proper poets won’t reply to my emails, so I figured I’d ask you. Can you write me a poem about mans alienation from nature and tendency for self destruction?. If you could make it dark and moody, with a complex rhyme scheme, with a deep thematic counterpoint. I know it’s a lot ask…but what else are you doing these days?

TWO SHEET TWO DA WIND

T-Dot

I have to tell you, Sheets, you’re not much of salesmen. Still, I do have some free time on my hands, and my heart does course with molten poetry, so maybe I can help you out.

Chasing the dragon/My father lament

I put the needle in my arm; a pony bites my fathers leg

I sting and beg the needles charm; who set that goddamn pony free?

Push the plunger oh so deep; dear god he’s got a butcher knife!

The junk it tastes forever sweet; now he’s got my hat, great.

I ride the horse to brown silk heaven; the pony steals my pants and jacket too.

In burnt chrome wash my sins unleven; that better not be a long distance call!

***

Why don’t people like Peppermint? I really enjoy it, and cannot see why others would not.

Patricia,

Worster, Mass

Well, Pat, I could feed you a line about subjective experiences and taste bud allocation…but we both know that would be a lie. The truth is flavor appreciation is predicated on psychic worthiness: bad people enjoy awful flavors. Let us break things down etymologically:

Pepper= hot and spicy

Mint= newly created or of finest condition

The obvious connation: a candy that taste like fresh pepper. That is disgusting, and the kind of candy only incompetent barbers or child predators could enjoy. While I don’t have time to produce a comprehensive list, here’s a quick break down of the more notorious associations.

Terrible flavors and the terrible people who enjoy them

Licorice= Pretentious sycophants that are bad in the sack

Cherry Coke: Vapid hipster that correct the pronunciation of strangers

Black Olives: Sodomites and union agitators

Rice Crackers: Sanctimonious lefties who secretly yearn for the days of slavery

Chowder: Dudes that sing under their breath to other people’s music on the bus

***

I need a two word aphorism to put on my business card. Can you help me out?

Kyle Barstaid,

Winebago, Or


A little glib, but what the hell.

How about one of these:

Beauty consumes

Passion enables

Apathy eases

Empathy erodes

Pajamas unfurl

It really depends of the business you are in and the statement you are trying to make. If you have room you might even consider a short fable about the virtues of hard work.

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