The Beats Entropy: AJ Valliant’s Legacy scale

July 16, 2009

In an effort to be more productive I’ve been framing whatever I get done from 8am to 5pm as my daily legacy. My delusion has progressed to where I see these tiny, short-lived, diurnal archeologists floating in the periphery waiting to judge what I’ve wrought come the end time of dusk. While no more productive [1], this has made me vastly more paranoid and guilty. Additionally: I’ve been forced to consider the broader legacy of my life.

At 33 years old I have spent at least one third of the AJ dollars I have been karmically allotted: it is time to take stock of how well that money has been spent. As is our custom round these parts I will organize the deeds of my life into a highly scientific ascending scale of significance. The lower the number, the less impact the deed had in terms of my overall legacy. I will not assign the deeds a positive or negative score; my judgment will be the prerogative of history alone.

The Beats Entropy: AJ Valliant’s Legacy scale


  • 1-Prepared a mountain of delicious toast
  • 2-Once left a newspaper on the bus for the next guy to read
  • 3-Was reigning King of the Hill for three straight winters recess’s, until I was brought low  by treachery and  yard duty teacher malfeasance
  • 4-Never spawned an ugly brat, nor did I slap its gap-toothed face with cruel vigor.
  • 5-Fell down so many flights of stairs my life could have been used as an outtake reel for the Battleship Potemkin. [2]
  • 6-Failed to avenge having my marbles spilled in third grade [3]
  • 7-Never once uttered “we can still be friends”; nor did I ever respond in positive fashion when the offer was made.
  • 8-Popularized the slanderous nicknames: Stinkopotamus and Ho-larm clock to the point the recipients own parents began using them.
  • 9-Had a mullet so awful that I subconsciously maneuvered myself into setting a field on fire, that the purifying flames might fuse it into a roll.
  • 10-Kept my jaw slack and breathed through my mouth like a spaz until I was 13.
  • 11-Delivered at least three profoundly righteous punches to the face.
  • 12-Received one profoundly righteous kick to the head that knocked me unconscious.
  • 13-Have never released a secret from the vault without permission
  • 14-Never possessed a Drivers License, Passport, Credit Card, Plane Ticket, Positive Credit Rating, Crippling Bone Disease, or Handgun.
  • 15-Took 11 years to graduate from a three year psych degree.
  • 16-Historically treated strangers with far more decency than I do lovers
  • 17-Slept walked through my 20’s in a office job I still don’t know the duties of
  • 18-Somehow incited an entire subculture of strangers that swap “AJ” stories of questionable validity. [4]
  • 19-Was generally a pretty solid dude.
  • 20-Wrote some things I was quite proud off

[1] I actually spent the first half of yesterday pouring tiny cups of gin for the watchers, hoping to subvert the integrity of the judgment process. The second half the day was spent writing back-story for the lead archeologist. Dusk was spent mourning his death. Too soon, my brother, too soon.

[2] I actually tend to fall up the stairs, more than I do down them, but there are no iconic silent movie sequences of mother and child racing up steps for no reason, losing their footing, and crashing back halfway down.

[3] But I assure you, my friends, this debt will not go unpaid.

[4] I’ve  been at parties where people unknowingly related to me exploits from my own life. It was surprisingly alarming.

OTHER ASSESMENT SCALES

Shame

Ignominious Death

Creepy

Disappointment

Pettiness

Inappropriate comment

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6 Responses to “The Beats Entropy: AJ Valliant’s Legacy scale”

  1. Erika Says:

    “In an effort to be more productive I’ve been framing whatever I get done from 8am to 5pm as my daily legacy. My delusion has progressed to where I see these tiny, short-lived, diurnal archeologists floating in the periphery waiting to judge what I’ve wrought come the end time of dusk. While no more productive [1],”

    “[1] I actually spent the first half of yesterday pouring tiny cups of gin for the watchers, hoping to subvert the integrity of the judgment process. The second half the day was spent writing back-story for the lead archeologist. Dusk was spent mourning his death. Too soon, my brother, too soon.”

    Your writing is far from perfect, but every now and again you pull spin absurdist genius from whole cloth. You have a strange mind Mr.Valliant.

  2. Rodney Says:

    I have a picture that proves number 9. It’s our grade eight class graduation picture. We have both grown in to our heads.

  3. Ginny Says:

    It’s Number 11 I’m the most jealous of. I’ve never hit anyone outside of my family (and I think it’s generally accepted that punching a younger sister in the gut does NOT count). And when I punch people in my dreams, it is massively unfulfilling.

  4. Pollyanna Says:

    16-Historically treated strangers with far more decency than I do lovers

    This is a dangerous and heavily occupied territory. Who hasn’t at one time or another thought a perfect fantasy was far more deserving of our best self than our flawed reality and the people in it?

    I spent most of my 20s exploring what ended up being the geography of nowhere. I like where I am now. There is gravity here.

  5. w()rmwood Says:

    I’d just like to say i very much like the term “geography of nowhere.”

  6. Pollyanna Says:

    I can’t take credit for its creation but I’ll pat myself on the back for working it into a sentence and not making it sound lame.


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