The drugs and I
August 9, 2009
As the doctors tell it I have Attention Deficit Disorder. ADD. This is not a new diagnosis. I was tagged as soon as the fad hit in the late 80’s, medicated for a time, and then spent the next twenty years railing against it. I felt blaming my poor decisions on some loosely defined structural flaw was a cop out; a cowardly dodge. I still largely feel this way, but I’ve read enough literature to realize there may be some correctable flaw in my wiring.
I discussed this with my childhood doctor and he suggested a regime of exercise, quality sleep, and daily amphetamine use. The entire consultation lasted ten minutes. It amounted to “Hit this crank and call me in three months”. Curious, but not unexpected.
Now, in fairness, the kick is more a sustained first cup of coffee buzz than it is the jittery cracktessence of a recreational high, but it’s still knocking back a hit of speed with breakfast: unless you are driving big rigs or tuning band amps for a living that strikes me as fairly marginal behavior. But, you know, doctors orders.
And does it work? Well, it has only been three days, but it does seem to be doing something. It’s hard to quantify. It’s like there is this taut cable connecting me to the world that keeps me from drifting; with occasional bursts of exhausting electric focus. I have a clearer sense of the passage of time so I get bored easier and wind up doing things, often productive. My short term memory and prefrontal associates have improved, but the heuristic bounce of my long term retrieval seems to have flattened a little: the immediacy and randomness of my internal process seems more distant.
There is good, to be sure, but I still haven’t gotten a handle on the cost.
I’ll keep you posted.