The Best Man’s Wedding

August 27, 2009

I was recently the Bestman at my friends Jay and Vanessa’s wedding. In lieu of an in depth and respectful accounting  of the happiest day in a couple’s life… I give you a photo essay about myself. This wrong of me and I’ll likely die eating cold soup in an abandoned playhouse as a result. Let us begin.

The day began with the male side of bridal party milling about in mild alarm. Note my sultry lip licking and vacant expression. I was born to be a shill in some home food dehydrator infomercial. To think of the hundreds of dollars a year I throw away on store bought dried apricots!

***

Fearing I’d failed to reach to the mindless but handsome dolt demographic I adopted an air of sophisticated European bewilderment. Such boyish folly.

Note: The bride and her parents are middle right. Fine, fine, tolerant people.

***

Despite my apparent credulity I retained enough guile to sidestep my girlfriends attempt at baiting me into admission of my terrible fashion sense.

*Click here to see rare grainy video footage of the North American A.J. delighting in the simplest of ruses.

***

Then Jay and Vanessa got married. I have nothing clever to say about this one. They are dear people and I might have been weeping a little at this point.

***


I cannot explain the disparity in our expressions. Jay chose warm unaffected joy; I’m projecting a  kind of murderous bookstore owner vibe,  Kenji, a demonic uptown gigolo.

***

In retrospect it was mistake to begin  my speech with a ten minute whistling solo. In the end it was well received though.

The Speech in question

***

Add an Image

Having exhausted the last of my mental energies I temporally lapsed into complete mental retardation. As such I cannot explain the pink feather boa the groom is wearing.

***

This is the last clear memory I have of that night. Note how my eyes are staring in two different directions: I may have actually had a mild stroke.

***

Bonus

The owners of the B&B we were staying at had a three legged dog. While a tremendous gentleman in his own right I primarily loved him because he reminded me of my favorite ever Strongbad email.

Lil Brudder


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6 Responses to “The Best Man’s Wedding”

  1. Stiletto Says:

    Excellent first photo. I shall read the rest later as I’m pressed for time (no, not really, I’m a little too tipsy and exhausted). I had originally read your blurb as “I was recently the BATMAN..” And upon glimpsing the photo of you in your satiny black vest I believed it.

  2. Stiletto Says:

    One last word before I bid bon nuit – AJ, may I say, that God given chin was made for moppin’ some sort of sloppin’.

  3. max Says:

    That is the nicest post about a best friend I have read. Much love and luck to the happy couple [smooch!] and also to the three legged dog because I just like three legged dogs dammit.

  4. splicedt Says:

    Nice red-eye effects. Well done.

  5. Stiletto Says:

    The three legged dog is a nice touch. Cute.

  6. Spollyallyanna Says:

    That picture of the four of us is so unsettling to me…I don’t remember my bubbe’s nose getting an invitation to the wedding and yet there it is.


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