Tree Killer

June 17, 2010

I’ve been asked to murder my tree on the grounds that it is too tall and a foreigner. While I could bring myself to fell a towering Dutchman, or Dutch Elm, this particular tree has done me great kindness and asked nothing in return. Sally, however, feels differently.

Initially, when she told me she was paying an arborist 700$ to kill my baby, I said I supported her decision but that it seemed a little pricey. When she explained she was cutting down my tree I was heartbroken.  Its unkempt sprawl and towering virility were proof of my own. I made the smallest part of my case.

“Where will I hang my hammock?” I asked.

“String it up between your wasted youth and failings as a lover” she said.

And then were will your Harpy friends perch? I thought, but didn’t say.

“And what of the shade? A good three blocks know the joy of endless night thanks to our Norway Maple.“ I said.

“I have rickets, A.J….and I’m tired of you diving between my legs to avoid talking about doing your taxes. The Tree is coming down.”

And so it is: A flawed but favoured son will my die on my watch.

In memory I present this photo retrospective

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3 Responses to “Tree Killer”

  1. Sally Says:

    Fool! You reveal your lies with your choice of pictures! The hammock has a stand and requires no tree to do its duty!

  2. Jive Says:

    They take so much longer to grow than to cut down. They shade your home in the summer to keep it cool but then kindly shed their leaves to maximize sunlight in winter when you need it most. If I were as useful would you have to put a hit out on me too?

  3. ejalvey Says:

    Perhaps you should keep the tree and lose the girl.


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