Ask Sam: My kid’s stupid questions

March 24, 2014


(Originally posted at SAM THE TURTLE)

I do not have children but my friends do. Children are, by their nature, quite stupid and prone to dying. My friends are very tired and would prefer their children be alive and smart, but often settle for alive. Eventually the kids start talking and demanding answers to questions of such volume and frequency that it breaks the human mind.

I do not have children, but I have answers. As a public service I have decided to dig into the backlog of questions that my friends are too exhausted to answer, and  fill the gaps in their children’s knowledge . Each parent emailed me a list of queries and promised to read my response to their child in full, without editorial interference. I do not believe in speaking down to kids so some of the terms and concepts may go over their heads, but I’m confident that the essential truth will make its way through.


Is the tooth Fairy real? Why does she give money for teeth?


Age 7

Savvy question, Brandon. First rule of the Grift: If you can’t see the angle you’re the rube. Why would an assumedly immortal being invest the time, opportunity cost, and massive change outlay to acquire half rotted baby teeth? The second rule of the grift: goodwill comes at a price. She’s not buying your teeth, she’s buying your trust. She’s establishing a relationship and a precedent.

Do you know why you don’t feed bears? Because it makes them hungrier and braver and less satisfied with the food of the wild. You think she’ll stop at teeth? Maybe down the road you tear off a toenail in a door jamb, decide to throw that under your pillow, and find a fresh ten spot come morning. Pretty soon you get real careless,this time it’s the whole toe you toss under the pillow and lo and behold a brand new X-box One jammed beside the bed. A year later you’re a torso on a skateboard,  paddling down the street with a broken pool cue that you’ve duct taped to your arm stump.

Keep them teeth bro, you can’t win a rigged game.


 How do I get all the pokemon? I have a bunch but my friend David won’t trade me the ones I need.


Age 9

Well, Joshua, the first step is divesting the last few shreds of human decency that remain and accepting the darkness that drives you to attempt the capture and enslavement ,and eventual trafficking, of fellow sentient beings. And not just some of them, mind, but all of them. Can’t  have a few uppity stragglers running around free, putting proof to the lie that they exist only to serve.

Maybe your friend David is trying to do you a favor and slow your inevitable slide into sociopathy.

And I know what you are going to say “But they can only say their own names, how smart could they be?”. I’ll tell you what, Josh, why don’t we round up all the mutes and deaf kids and shy ass mumblers you know and force them to fight to the death in my basement. And don’t worry, we’ll let them know that all of this can stop if they can just explain…why it should. Cause’ that your standard, isn’t it Josh? You can’t suffer if you can’t talk. You son of a bitch.

And a little aside to your hero Pikachu.

Oh sure, you riding on the shoulder now, you a real fine House Hamster, but when your charge runs low, and you find you find yourself in Uncle Toms Pokeball, and Squirtle breaks a bottle in your eye for starring too long, don’t pretend you don’t know why that hard rain is falling.


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