or “Look what I found on my cell phone”

You are my Oasis (not the band) — Happy Valentine’s Day

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I’m switching things up a little bit. Instead of giving a one sentance review based on no criteria what-so-ever (I haven’t seen the movie yet), I’m going to rate it as a HOT pick, a NOT pick, or could go either way and repeat the plot in one sentance from IMDB.  I’ve also made a slight change to the formating on my movie site.

As you may have guess, the Christmas season is upon us and most of the releases are meh. As usual, click on read more to see more details about the movies.

Charlotte’s Web (2006) – HOT.
Wilbur the pig is scared of the end of the season, because he knows that come that time, he will end up on the dinner table. He hatches a plan with Charlotte, a spider that lives in his pen, to ensure that this will never happen.

Eragon (2006) – HOT/NOT.
In his homeland of Alagaesia, a farm boy happens upon a dragon’s egg — a discovery that leads him on a predestined journey where he realized he’s the one person who can defend his home against an evil king.

Blood Diamond (2006) – HOT/NOT.
A farmer, a smuggler, and a syndicate of businessmen match wits over the possession of a priceless diamond.

The Holiday (2006) – HOT/NOT.
Two women troubled with guy-problems (Diaz, Winslet) swap homes in each other’s countries, where they each meet a local guy and fall in love.

The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) – HOT/NOT.
A struggling salesman (Will Smith) takes custody of his son (Jaden Smith) as he’s poised to begin a life-changing professional endeavor.

Apocalypto (2006) – HOT/NOT.
As the Maya kingdom faces its decline, the rulers insist the key to prosperity is to build more temples and offer human sacrifices. Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood), a young man chosen for sacrifice, flees the kingdom to avoid his fate.

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banana.gif

Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I’m not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body’s changing – it’s all good, believe me. Problem now is… every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So… First order of business – no more socks. They’re expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, “But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can’t spew it into Mr. Sock?” Glad you asked…

You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning – that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation’s fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we’re gonna need some other options. So let’s start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin’ band-aid – ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers – specificially, bananas.

Step one: Peel the banana.

Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching.

Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube.

In my opinion, the best lube… is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on – when you tug your Thomas on the toilet – ffft – shoot right into the bowl. In bed – soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don’t mind tossing after tossing. There’s no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you’re a solo artist – you’ll be playing some long, happy duets in the future.

Ok – class dismissed.

[Shane gets up to walk away]

Andy Botwin: Hey!

[tosses Shane a banana]

Andy Botwin: Homework.

I finally saw Casino Royale, and it is as good as people say (except for Eva Green, she was a bit of a mis-cast). Daniel Craig is awesome. Is Layer Cake any good on video?

Deliver Us From Evil – HOT. Chilling documentry against sexual abuse in churches.
All About My Mother – HOT. Pedro Almodóvar month continues at the Bytown.
Little Children – HOT. Anti-suburbia flick where Kate Winslet shows off her weight loss.

The Flower of My Secret – HOT/NOT. More Pedro Almodóvar at Bytown.
Blood Diamond – HOT/NOT. New Dicapro flick set in Africa. Trailer looks good, execution looks so-so.
The Holiday – HOT/NOT. Looks like a decent Xmas chick flick of the same calibur as Love Actually.
Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny – HOT/NOT. Critics hate it, fans love it.

Bobby – NOT. Fictional account of the assassination of Bobby Kenedy written and directed by Emilio Estevez. Do not be fooled by the cast.
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder The Rise of Taj – NOT. Harold and Kumar 2 it is not. Best viewed while drunk on video over pizza.
Turistas – NOT. When has there been a good horror flick in December?
The Nativity Story – NOT. Horrible Christmas crap.

Read the rest of this entry for real movie reviews, movie times, posters and links to trailers.


Casino Royale – HOT. Good reviews all around. New guy looks like he has less charm, but more edge.
Little Children – HOT. Anti-suburbia flick where Kate Winslet shows off her weight loss.

Happy Feet – HOT/NOT. March of the Penguins for kids, looks like good reviews all around but adults might find it lacking.
Deja Vu – HOT/NOT. Ridley Scott’s brother and one of the writters from Shrek/Pirates of the Carribean bring Day Break to the big screen. People are calling it formulaic.
For Your Consideration – HOT/NOT. New Christopher Guest satire. Reviewers are saying it is pretty formulaic and too similiar to the rest of his films.
Bobby – HOT/NOT. Fictional account of the assassination of Bobby Kenedy written and directed by Emilio Estevez.
Let’s Go To Prison – HOT/NOT. Like most of Bob Odenkirk’s films, this looks so bad it might be good. I liked Run Ronnie Run because of the stupidy — I am sure I will feel the same about this one. I imagine there will be lots of gay jokes.
Death Race 2000 – HOT/NOT. 1975 bad sci-fi. Throw popcorn at the screen.

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny – NOT. I think I will really enjoy this on video.
The Fountain – NOT. Darren Aronofsky has not lived up to his debut with Pi and Requiem for a Dream. I still want to see it because it looks like one of those movies I’ll love even if everyone else hates it.
Kika – NOT. 1993 Pedro Almodovar flick.
Sleeping Dogs Lie – NOT. Written and directry by Bob Goldthwait! I did not know he was still alive.
Deck The Halls – NOT. This year’s horrible Christmas movie.

Read the rest of this entry for real movie reviews, movie times, posters and links to trailers.

The Fountain

Casino Royale – HOT. Good reviews all around. New guy looks like he has less charm, but more edge.

Deja Vu – HOT. Ridley Scott’s brother and one of the writters from Shrek/Pirates of the Carribean bring Day Break to the big screen. Only a handful of reviews, but they’re good.
Stranger Than Fiction – HOT. The reviews have taken a turn up, and now this is definitely a comedy I want to see.
Happy Feet – HOT/NOT. March of the Penguins for kids, looks like good reviews all around but adults mind find it lacking.
Babel – HOT/NOT. New Cate Blanchett/Brad Pitt flick, trailer looks really good. Same guy who did September 11 and 21 Grams. Some reviewers are finding it too complicated.
For Your Consideration – HOT/NOT. New Christopher Guest satire. Reviewers are saying it is pretty formulaic and too similiar to the rest of his films.

The Fountain – HOT/NOT. Darren Aronofsky has not lived up to his debut with Pi and Requiem for a Dream. I still want to see it because it looks like one of those movies I’ll love even if everyone else hates it.

Let’s Go To Prison – HOT/NOT. Like most of Bob Odenkirk’s films, this looks so bad it might be good. I liked Run Ronnie Run because of the stupidy — I am sure I will feel the same about this one. I imagine there will be lots of gay jokes.

Deck The Halls – NOT. This has dumb Xmas flick written all over it. You know it is bad when there release it this soon before Christmas and NO ONE has seen a preview of it.

A Good Year – NOT. I hate Russel Crowe flicks. Apparantly other people hate this one too.
Keeping Mum – NOT. Another horrible Rowan Atkinson film. Who would have suspected? Stick to BBC series he is in — much better.
Harsh Times – NOT. Harsh Times at South Central High. Christian Bale and first time director who was the screenwriter for several ok flick like Training Day and Fast and the Furious. Might be okay if you really want action and are willing to cut-corners on good directing.
Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! – NOT. Classic 1990 Pedro Almodovar flick with a gay Antonio Banderas.
The Return – NOT. Best described as “A halfway decent editor could easily chop this down to 30 minutes without losing any plot points, but it would still be a tedious slog.”
Manufactured Landscapes – NOT. “Photographer Edward Burtynsky travels the world observing changes in landscapes due to industrial work and manufacturing.” — Good for photography buffs, bring coffee for your date.

Read the rest of this entry for real movie reviews, movie times, posters and links to trailers.

Borat – HOT. Great reviews. Friends agree that it’s very funny, but it also makes them uncomfortable at parts.

Flushed Away – HOT/NOT. For kids more than adults.

Babel – HOT/NOT. New Cate Blanchett/Brad Pitt flick, trailer looks really good. Same guy who did September 11 and 21 Grams. Sounds like it’s very complex, and the reviews are very polarized between loving it and hating it.

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! – NOT. Classic 1990 Pedro Almodovar flick with a gay Antonio Banderas.

Stranger Than Fiction – HOT/NOT. Another one I thought was interesting from the trailer but the reviews are so-so. Will Ferrel in an existentialist comedy that is hopefully better than I Heart Huckabees.

Conversations With Other Women – HOT/NOT. Down to only one theatre showing it. I want to like it because of Aaron Eckhart, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is seeing this movie. What’s up with the limited release?

Night of the Living Dead 3D – NOT. 2006 remake of a classic. Almost zero reviews out there for it, the few I saw were bad.

Harsh Times – NOT. Harsh Times at South Central High. Christian Bale and first time director who was the screenwriter for several ok flick like Training Day and Fast and the Furious. Might be okay if you really want action and are willing to cut-corners on good directing.

Keeping Mum – NOT. Another horrible Rowan Atkinson film. Who’d have suspected?

The Return – NOT. Best described as “A halfway decent editor could easily chop this down to 30 minutes without losing any plot points, but it would still be a tedious slog.”

A Good Year – NOT. I hate Russel Crowe flicks. Apparantly other people hate this one too.

The Santa Clause 3 – NOT. WTF? Tim Allen is still doing this shit? Screw a fake documentary about the death of GW, someone line Allen up in their crosshairs. I’m still reeling that they made a Saw 3… but this?

Read the rest of this entry for real movie reviews, movie times, posters and links to trailers.

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