“Talk dirty to me”

October 9, 2006

Jill bobbed and rocked in concert to the merciless pounding; her sweat soaked brow leaving imperfect circles of dew on the headboard. Breathe quickening she snarled out a request to her lover Dave, “Talk dirty to me.”

Dave slowed up his pace and tried make proper sense of her request, “Like how do you mean?”

Frustrated at the disruption, and Dave’s general obtuseness, Jill spat a clarification. “Just tell me I’m bad, and why I’m bad, and what you’re going to do to me.”

After a few moments thought, Dave nodded agreeably and picked up steam again, “Yeah bitch, you little whore. You think I don’t know what you did?”

Jill moaned, bit her lip, and urged him to continue, “What did I do?”

Dave got a far away glare in his eye and began denouncing her crimes. “You know what it was… come into my house and take what’s mine… you think you can break me,” Dave curled a hand into the back of her hair, his demands becoming more fervent. “This was just between you and me… you coward… Tell me what you did with my family, Mendoza!”

Jill craned her neck backwards incredulously, “Who’s Mendoza?”

Dave slowed, caught his breathe somewhat, then explained. “He’s the crime lord that’s taken my family and I’m…”

Jill face blanked in alarm, “He’s?

“She’s, she’s,” Dave corrected in panic, softening under the stress.

Sensing the mood was near the breaking point Jill decided to roll with it. “I don’t care what you do to me, you’ll never get your family back!”

Dave swelled with enthusiasm “God damn you, Mendoza. I’ll fuck you back to the stone age.”

Jill threw herself backwards against him, “Better men than you have tried and failed, Señor.”

Stiffening at the affront Dave applied himself to his interrogation. “Did you really think I would surrender the Aztec gold? It belongs in a museum you mercenary whore!”

“What? Where did the Aztec gold come from?” Jill asked, pulling her teeth from Dave arm.

“That’s why you took my family, you wanted the Aztec gold I found. For your private collection,” Dave explained.

Jill disengaged, “I can’t believe you would let your loved ones die so some museum can charge an extra two bucks admission. You won’t even go the art gallery with me when I have free tickets.”

“Well I… uh, I didn’t think you would actually kill them,” Dave backtracked.

“Oh I’ll kill them! And I’ll get your stupid fucking Aztec gold too,” Jill said with rancor.

“You evil whore… I never trusted you, not for a minute,” Dave said, cutting perilously close to the bone.

Simmering with animosity, it was decided they take a different approach. After some more traditional foreplay to re-established the mood, Jill again induced Dave to talk dirty to her; with certain caveats: “Don’t make it so complicated this time, there is no need for back-story.”

Dave shrugged uncertainly, “What should I say then?”

“I don’t know… just talk about how big your cock is,” Jill supplied.

Dave took her advice to heart and began, “You like this baby, you like the big dick.”

Jill gasped at his quick hard thrusts, “Yes, yes, pound my pussy”

Dave began to hit his stride, “Yeah, you want this Horsecock, bitch! I’ll club you down like a baby seal. I’ve split tree stumps with this monster; you can’t handle my heat.”

Jill shot a glare backwards, “Could you make it a little less threatening?”

“Uh yeah sure… sorry,” Dave said, spurring his imagination into less hostile territory. “Can you feel that baby, this thing is astronomical… it has it own damn ecosystem!”

“A little much,” thought Jill, but she was hot enough to excuse the hyperbole.

“Yeah, it’s a whole magic kingdom with elves and shit that live on it… and my balls are like this sacred grove where they frolic… yeah I bet you can feel those elves tickling your ass.”

“What?”, Jill exclaimed.

“Yeah, yeah… and the elves they all have huge dicks too, and they’re taking turns on you. This leader ‘Eloreial’, he lost his arm battling a dragon so they made him King of my Balls, he’s going first and really throwing it into you.”

Jill pulled away furiously, “What is wrong with you? That is the worst dirty talk I have ever heard in my life. Not only have you killed my libido for tonight, but I may never want to have sex again. Thanks, jerk.”

Dave watched her go; a smug, righteous grin spreading. Rising from the bed he poured himself a drink, spilling a few drops in memory of his departed family.

“Nobody steals my Aztec gold.”



6 Responses to ““Talk dirty to me””

  1. seekr Says:

    I think that just scared me straight. Maybe even asexual. :(

    Thanks Valliant.

  2. Dr. Entropic Says:

    At least he kept the talking animals out of this one.

  3. jaybird Says:

    I was *SO* sure you were going to turn this into some kind of horrible fan-fic. Pleasantly surprised by the end.

    Nice work, would be so much less creepy if I didn’t believe it was based on True Events.

  4. “Nice work, would be so much less creepy if I didn’t believe it was based on True Events”

    What do you “Based on”, just the names were changed to protect the indecent.

  5. On second read I really dug that story.
    I wonder if my mom read it.

    dear husband: What are you laughing about, dear?
    me: you’d just have to read it
    dh: just tell me
    me: elves
    dh: how could elves be making you laugh so hard?
    me: ticklin my ass with their astronomical dicks
    dh: huh?
    me: yeah, you’d just have to read it

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