AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks: The Nations of the World.

Let me tell you something: The nations of the world have been getting free ride here at Beats Entropy for too long. In our early stages I was willing to allow them to coast on reputation and meaningless U.N. surveys (when assessing their relative worth). I fear this laissez-faire approach has given them a false sense of security in regards to our affection; made some of them let themselves go to a unacceptable degree. Time to rectify the situation.

I present you with the inaugural edition of: AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks the Nations of the World.

The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria I have chosen, producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them.

Note: this is the assessment of the Country as gestalt entity, and not necessarily a reflection of the individuals that make up that country.

The categories break down as such (The higher the score, the more favorable the review)

Style

• 0 to10 points
• How much style, panache, edginess, and distinct character that nation has.

What have they ever done for me or against me

• 0 to 10 points
• What has the country as whole ever done for/against me, AJ Valliant.

Flag

• 0 to10 points
• How cool/decent vs pathetic/boring is their flag.

Non Jerk Factor

• 0 to10 points
• Does the nation, in both international affairs and aggregate citizen’s behaviour comport itself as a stand-up country, or jerkass nation.

General livability

• 0 to 10 points
• How pleasant it is to actually live in said country.

Wildcard

• -10 to +10 points
• Potential bonus/minus points for whatever the hell I chose.

Lets get down to business.

North Korea

Style: 10

North Korea’s style begins and ends with their beloved leader, Kim Jong Il, the most craziest nigga on the world stage. It’s like Joseph Stalin and Michael Jackson got together and decided the create the despot equivalent of Neverland Ranch. While brutal and repressive, there is something about his berzerko, hyper-megalomaniacal reality disconnect that that I find captivating. Maximum style points.

What have they ever done for me/to me: 7

No world leader/nation has provided me with more absurd sound bites, drama, and magnificent what the fuck? moments than North Korea. Come on: they told Australia they would “turn the sky to fire” because Australia conducted navel maneuvers a thousand miles away. They make Iran seem Switzerland. It’s like someone gave Yosemite Sam control of a country…and that is goddamn entertaining.

Flag: 5

Fairly run of the mill, but reasonably aesthetically pleasing. I really think he dropped the ball by not having a golden hairpiece surrounded by chorus of angels on it somewhere.

Non Jerk Factor: 5

At first though this seems a sure 0; the guy threatens to plunge the world into nuclear winter every time his cable goes down. The thing is he’s pretty much all talk; aside from testing some long range missiles and nuclear weapons. Ok, he’s all talk… and testing. But he still has never actually managed to do anything outside his own country. He loses the maximum five for jerkiness to his own people, but beyond that his only external impact is rhetorical (and possibly plunging the world into Nuclear Armageddon, which would lower this score all the way down to 0).

General livability: 1

Constant starvation. No freedom of movement or expression. No contact with outside world. General unrelenting drudgery. On the plus side every home get snappy portrait of Kim.

Wildcard: + 7

What can I say, that bad wig/giant sunglasses/jump suit combo revs my engine.

Score and assessment: 35

I know they’re evil, they really are…but it’s the international equivalent of the slow kid in public school you would rile up at recess just to see what happens. There is a chance someone I like could be hit by his metal lunchbox; but there is also a chance he will hold down the fat kid and hump him till they both start crying: and that is just too funny to pass up.

Canada

Style: 4

Though socially progressive and culturally diverse, Canada is about as cool and edgy as a garden party thrown by your mom. Essentially they are that decent, reliable, caring dude that always winds up the best friend of the hot chick that all the assholes date. Whole lot of character with slightly below average style.

What have they ever done for me/to me: 9

Canada created hockey and basketball, gave me a place to be born and keep my stuff, spawned the majority of the people I’ve had sex with. Additionally the rather liberal Young Offender Act did my teenage self no end of favors.

The only negatives are how it freezes my nuts off six months of the year, and gives refuge to those hated war criminals the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Flag: 8

Very solid flag: elegant design, snappy color scheme, and sweet looking leaf. It could maybe use a dragon, or sword; something to really make it pop.

Non Jerk Factor: 10

Canada is the kind of country that would drive to you work, pick up your kids, and mow your lawn.. while still being decent enough to avoid the clumsy advances of your clearly unsatisfied wife.

General livability: 8

Universal health care, free expression, polite but scrappy citizens, the right to marry anything with a pulse and a signature: it’s like paradise with unbelievably shitty weather.

Wildcard: + 10

Vimy Ridge

Score and assessment: 49

A little short on flash, but very long on class, decency, respect, and grit. The kind of country you never really appreciate until you live somewhere else.

Germany

Style: Good Germany= 2 / Evil Germany= 10

Germany is an interesting case in that it’s style is inversely related to how Evil they are at a given moment. When they in their Responsible World Citizen phase, they are stoic, efficient, rigidly egalitarian, and essentially devoid of personality in a broad cultural sense.

Now when they are in there Supervillanesque “lets swing by France and conquer the world” phase, they become these unpredictable, rage filled, snappily dressed hate-fuelled storm troopers, that scar the psyches of generations. Despicable, but impactfully so.

What have they ever done for me/to me: 6

Produced Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Kant, Hegel; these are my philosophical road dogs. Shapers of a large part of my conception of the nature of reality and will. A bit of an esoteric solid [1], but appreciated none the less. Also they invaded France and forever made them the butt of surrender jokes. Tragic, but amusing.

Flag: Good 2/ Evil (I‘m kinda on the border of the line already, so I think I’ll skip rating the evil one)

Three horizontal colored bars: combines the fun of being bland and ugly, with the fun being totally unoriginal. Maybe they could add a tiny picture of France’s flag caged and beaten,in the right hand corner, to spice things up a little.

Still suppose after their old flag I guess they wanted to keep things simple.

Non Jerk Factor: Good 7 / Evil 0

(Germany is like that model student that gets perfect grades and runs charity drives in their spare time, but you just know is strangling kittens in their basement…only you can’t quite prove it).

Rarely interferes in other countries, treats its people exceedingly fairly, washes behind it’s ears, and flosses eight times a day. Going on the evidence at hand…I have to give it a fairly high rating (but I’m still not convinced).

General livability: Good 8/ Evil 2

Clean, good economy, socially progressive; all the Germans I have met have been very cool interesting people. Aside from the lurking evil it is a very solid place to live.

The only real downside is you can never have the moral high ground in an argument against someone from a different nation… since you are forever branded histories greatest monsters.

Wildcard:+ 4

Otto Von Bismarck was one of the sharpest, coolest, most masterful manipulators to ever strap on a pointy helmet. Also my Kdice Icon.

Score and Assessment: Good 29 / Evil 24

They are a sophisticated, if dowdy, enlightened democracy that would be a model of the Western ideal…were they not secretly still evil; only I can’t prove it.

Further Rankings of Nations of the world

Other Arbitrarily Ranking Articles

JAPAN AND SUCH

FUNDAMENTALIST COUNTRIES

 

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NATIONS THAT BROKE MY HEART

 

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